


am i on my own (am i even close)

by niallszayn



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-16 07:50:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4617219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niallszayn/pseuds/niallszayn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>zayn calling niall on the radio - for the second time - isn't something niall expected to ever happen, but it does happen. after he hasn't heard from zayn in months, too. now how should he deal with that?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

There was never a conscious decision. Never a conversation about how they should hang out more, be more public about it, interact more on social media. Still, Niall’s absolutely certain they both know what they’re doing, especially since Louis started it with his stupid instagram posts about what he was eating and drinking a couple of days after it. After Zayn left.

It started with a stage selfie and then it sort of spiralled from there. It isn’t even that they hang out more, they just do it in new places, or they share it on twitter and instagram. It’s for the fans, obviously, to show them they’re still a band, a unit, friends. But it’s just as much for them, their way of coping. Liam and Harry have their own ways, had their angry phases and the sad one that still lingers somewhere nearby, but they seem to have accepted it. Niall thinks him and Louis have a harder time dealing with it, even if it’s for different reasons. Louis is angry, hasn’t forgiven Zayn, not for leaving and not for “the twitter thing”, as they call it, and Niall sort of gets it. Louis and Zayn were proper close, and yet Louis knew just as little as all of them did. Then there’s the fact they’re both stubborn as hell and none of them is willing to back down first, so until someone does, they’re not gonna acknowledge each other.

It’s different for Niall, he just feels sad all the time, an ache in his chest like he lost something vital – twice maybe. Once when Zayn told them, and then again when he stopped replying to Niall’s texts. Maybe that’s why he went to Louis for comfort. Louis is the only one out of the boys he’s told, one night too long ago when he couldn’t keep it in anymore but didn’t want to deal with Liam’s pity and advice and _help_ , or Harry’s cuddles and offers to talk to Zayn. Louis might like to meddle but he’s also fiercely loyal and keeps things that should be kept private between them.

They don’t talk about it, but sometimes when they’re exceptionally drunk or tired, Louis will cuddle up to Niall and say something like “It’ll get better”, or “He doesn’t even deserve us”, which doesn’t always help but feels comforting nonetheless.

So they continue writing together, going clubbing, messing about on stage. Sometimes Louis ropes Liam in, mostly to gang up on Niall, and he makes fun of Niall’s “paper boy outfit” until he seems to realise that Niall finds comfort in the steadiness of it. Likes how it’s like an anchor in his life that’s suddenly been turned upside down. He’s good at deflecting, keeping his face straight, and the hat is like a security blanket, feels like it keeps people out of his head.

It works, the distraction. He has fun, stops thinking about Zayn all the time. The ache returns every time he’s home alone again, so he calls up Louis or the LIC and goes out. Him and Louis go to Glastonbury one day, watch the acts and have a great time and when they post pictures on instagram and tweet about it later, it’s mostly to remember the day.

But at the same time, Niall can’t really deny that he hopes Zayn will see. That he wonders if it makes him miss them at all, makes him wonder how they’re doing without him.

He hopes he misses them too.


	2. chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all of this started, when [ridiculouslittleidiots](http://ridiculouslittleidiots.tumblr.com/) and an anon on tumblr came up with the idea of [THE CALL](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYeiS0H6UJw) being repeated after zayn left the band and well...i couldn't stop thinking about it. this was supposed to be angsty but i'm terrible at keeping it that way so we'll just have to see how it goes.  
> when i started this back in june everything was very very different and when i got back to it after my exams this month i practically had to start all over again. i had to make edits so many times because new things KEPT HAPPENING so i hope this still makes sense now! i've left some things out too because they would've ruined my plot/taken too long/needed their own storyline which is why i've called this "canon divergence". i had to post the first part now because i wanted it posted before the 23rd, which is the date the beginning is set on, but i haven't actually finished the rest so it unfortunately might be a week or two until i post the rest. for now i hope you enjoy this! i don't know or own anyone or anything in this.  
> the title is from _craving_ by james bay (whose album is a masterpiece imo)

“Nah, we're planning the same way as always”, Niall says into his phone. “Album out before Christmas, late November if it works out.”

“So you're not taking it slower?” the radio host he's being interviewed by asks. “No break even after Zayn has left?”

Niall's hand twitches on his thigh and he fights for his face to stay neutral and blank, even though the radio host can't see him, no one can. It's been five months though, the mention of Zayn shouldn't still make his heart clench, should it?

“We’ve already released one single, why slow down?”, he asks extra cheerfully. “The reception has been incredible and we can’t wait to share the rest of the album with our fans.”

There's a few other generic questions after that and he answers them all easily, this is what he's used to.

It's hot and humid in Chicago, and he's wearing only shorts and a tank top even though it's only 10am. He takes off his snapback to run a hand through his hair before putting it back on, all the while chatting to the host about touring rituals and being stuck in hotels.

The station he's been assigned to for their first bit of album promo is a UK based one, but it's rather small, so it gets an afternoon slot. It's 4pm back home, he's been told.

“Alright”, the host says, “thank you so much for making time for this call in your undoubtedly busy schedule.”

“My pleasure”, Niall smiles as if he had anything to do with this.

“There's only one last thing: we've been saying it all throughout the show, but this is your chance to talk to Niall from One Direction! Give us a ring and we'll pick a few lucky fans for a quick chat with Niall. After the next song!”

Niall recognises the song after the first few notes and cringes again because this, too, reminds him of Zayn. A lot reminds him of Zayn these days, always has, but it didn’t always hurt quite like this.

“Niall?” a voice says and Niall recognises it as the lady who seems to be the host’s assistant, she’s been explaining everything to him. “I’m sure you know the drill by now, but I’m just gonna give you a quick roundup of what’s going to happen now. Our producers are gonna pick three to five callers and they’ll each get about a minute to talk to you. We’ve briefed them on what they can or can’t say, but we obviously can’t control everything. You think you can deal with them?”

“Yeah, definitely”, Niall says, trying to sound nice and teasing. “I’ve done this before.”

The woman giggles and Niall smirks a little, because it’s always nice to get them a bit flustered.  “Alright then, have fun.”

“Thank you”, he says and then she’s gone from the line, replaced by a voice saying: “On air in three, two, -“

“That was Little Mix with their summer hit Black Magic, and we’re here with Niall from One Direction!” the host announces and Niall wills himself back into his cheerful interview mode.

“Hello!” he calls, drawing the “o” out for a few seconds.

“And we’ve got some impatient callers on the line waiting for you! Hello, who’s there?”

Niall talks to four girls in various states of excitement, which gets him into a far better mood than he was in before. He’s not lying when he says how much the fans mean to him, to _them_ , and it’s a great feeling to give back at least a little bit.

“And now”, the radio host – whose name Niall doesn’t actually know – announces, “we have another very special fan calling. His name is Zayn!”

Niall’s breath hitches in the second he has time to prepare, mind spinning. Can it be…?

“Hello”, a familiar voice says, and Niall knows the sound he makes isn’t just surprised, it’s plain incredulous. His mind goes blank.

“Zayn?!” he asks and gets a small chuckle back.

“Yeah, how ya doing, Nialler?”

Niall swallows, and there’s a roaring in his ears that’s not coming from his phone.

“I…I’m good, thanks, but what- what are you doing?”

“I just wanted to make you smile, is that okay?” Zayn says and somehow manages to sound both sincere and teasing while Niall grins helplessly, remembering the last time he’d heard those exact words.

“Yes Zayn, I love you”, he says almost automatically and blushes violently right after.

Zayn laughs again. “So did it work?”

“Yeah, you made me smile”, Niall says, smiling at the wall dopily. “You gonna tell me a joke again next?”

“Maybe later”, Zayn replies and Niall can tell he’s smiling too just from his voice, and isn’t that _crazy_?

“Alright”, he says and his smile feels huge, the kind of smile that has always been just for Zayn. He already feels much more settled, has stopped twitching. “Later, then.”

“See you, Niall”, Zayn says softly and Niall’s heart jumps a little.

“Bye, Zayn”, he retorts and hears the click when the line goes dead and the radio host is back.

“What a surprise, huh? So you and Zayn are still friends?”

Niall shakes himself out of the daze to get back into the cheerful professionalism that allows him to lie about this. “Yeah sure, no hard feelings. All good with us.”

He tries to sound honest while also making clear that he’s not gonna say more about this topic. Their interview time is up now anyway when he looks at the clock, so he hopes he’ll get out of this one.

“Happy to hear that”, the radio host says and sounds absolutely delighted, but Niall supposes it’s mostly because he just got the first direct interaction between a member of One Direction and Zayn since he left the band on his show.

They wrap up the interview quickly after that and Niall puts the phone down with shaky hands. He sets it down on the bed next to him, trying to wrap his head around what just happened. Zayn called him. Live on the radio. After none of them have really heard from him in _months_.

They've sort of stopped mentioning him after the twitter incident with Louis, because Louis’ mouth always became a pinched line when they did, so he's not sure whether Harry or Liam have been in touch, but he certainly hasn't heard anything from Zayn since then. Before, he'd occasionally sent him a text and even got a reply one or two times, but it's been radio silence ever since. Except for those two tweets, one to Liam on their fifth anniversary and the one where he congratulated them on Drag Me Down, where Niall didn’t know what to reply because he wasn’t sure if it was just fan service. Zayn hasn’t sent texts, and most definitely hasn’t _called_.

Niall has accepted it, because it makes sense, yeah? It's a lot like a breakup, easier not to be in touch while you get over it. But now Zayn's gone and done this, called him while he was doing an interview with a small radio station just to make him smile, acting as if nothing has changed since he last did exactly that. Everything has changed though, and Niall feels thrown off by this, totally blindsided.

His thumb starts bleeding where he's subconsciously been biting his thumbnail and Niall winces, tries to keep his fingers away from his mouth and ends up pulling on a loose thread of his shorts instead.

He reaches for his phone and texts both Liam and Harry a _have u tlked t zayn at all ?_ and sets it aside again, getting up to pace around his hotel room. He feels like he should probably give Zayn a ring, ask what he’s doing, but his heart is beating in his throat and he wants to think about this for a little while longer. Maybe wait for the other's replies, see if Zayn's contacted them. He's not sure what he wants them to say, because it'd suck if he's the only one Zayn ignored. There's never been a time where one of them pushed a single person away, it's always been the five of them, brothers who sometimes fight or prefer one of them over the others, but always love each other. Not that Niall's ever felt particularly brotherly about Zayn, but that's something he chooses to ignore most of the time.

If he’s the only one Zayn’s _contacted_ though – would that be much better? He’s not even sure how he’d tell the others, if he even should.

Looking back at their last few months together, Niall could’ve known Zayn would leave. They all knew he wasn’t happy doing what they were doing anymore, but none of them knew what to do about it. They all did their best, but in the end it wasn’t on them.

The point where Niall should've known was when Zayn showed up in Australia with a new haircut that had not just the fans swooning and was more into everything than he had been for a long time. In hindsight, Niall thinks it was pretty obvious that Zayn being so happy – dancing, smiling, jumping on stage much more than they were used to – and constantly going out with at least one of them, was his way of saying goodbye. He'd stayed longer than he was happy with for the fans, but not just for them. Niall knows it was for them, for him, Liam, Harry and Louis as well. And even though they all knew Zayn was thinking about leaving it still came as a terrible, terrible surprise to Niall when it actually happened.

And now he's sat in a hotel room in Chicago, thousands of miles away from Zayn, and can't stop wondering what that call means.

His phone chirps and Niall startles, goes to look at it. _No_ , Liam's texted, _not in a while whyyy_ and Niall nibbles on his bottom lip, wondering what to say.

 _ill explain later_ he settles on and ignores Liam's _???_ he gets in reply. If Zayn hasn't talked to Liam, he most likely hasn't been in touch with Harry either, which leaves Niall in the awkward position of the only one being contacted. Publicly. Which means he's gonna have to tell the others, they'll find out anyway.

He goes on twitter just to check how the fans react, and it's a bit mind boggling to see how intense it all is. He can't even open his mentions because there's too much coming in, but “ziall”, “ziall is real”, “zayn and niall” and “yes zayn I love you” are all trending, and Niall feels a bit like crying. If only.

Harry texts him a simple _No…_ and Niall sighs deeply, feels his confusion slowly edge into anger. What does Zayn think he's doing? And all Niall did was laugh and tell him he loved him, which is really fucking embarrassing, as he only realises now. His whole face is burning when he thinks about how he reacted, how fucking pathetic he must've seemed to Zayn, to the whole world. He's the one who embarrassed himself in front of the whole world, but it's all Zayn's fault for putting him on the spot like that. Before he can change his mind, Niall grabs his phone and selects the contact he hasn't used in almost five months.

He listens to it ring once, twice, three times and then Zayn's voice is there.

“I knew you'd call”, he says instead of a greeting.

“Yeah, well, I didn't know _you_ would”, Niall retorts and is almost pleased with how angry he sounds. “What the hell were you thinking?!”

“Are you mad?” Zayn asks and Niall snorts.

“Am I…? Yeah, I'm mad alright! Did you think it was a good idea to call me while I was doing an interview on the radio, when I haven't heard from you in half a year??”

“Dunno”, Zayn mumbles quietly, carefully. “But it made you smile, didn't it?”

“Because I was too bloody shocked to actually get my brain to work!” Niall exclaims. “What did you expect me to do??”

“Okay, so maybe that wasn't my most brilliantly thought through plan”, Zayn admits. “I just…I missed you, and I heard you'd be doing this interview so I tuned in and…I don't know, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Fuck”, Niall mutters. “It’s not that I don’t want you calling me, I still miss you all the time. I just wish you wouldn’t have done it where the whole world could listen.”

“I’m sorry, Niall, you’re right. I should’ve thought about it more before I made that call”, Zayn says. “You miss me all the time?”

“Zayn!” Niall whines. “I’ve already embarrassed myself enough on the radio today, I don’t need you to pick out the most embarrassing things I’ve said.”

“What’s embarrassing about that?” Zayn asks, and there’s laughter in his voice. “I miss you all the time, too.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry about, you know, not talking to you”, Zayn says quietly. “I sort of thought maybe I’d miss you lot a bit less if I just never talked to you. And then there was so much going on, with my solo contract and everything that happened with Perrie and stuff…”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that”, Niall interrupts. The news that Zayn and Perrie had split had caused quite a stir on social media just about a week ago, from what he could tell. Many fans had accused her of making Zayn leave the band, and them breaking up only a couple of months later was almost celebrated. If Niall is honest, he himself would’ve hoped Zayn would come back now for a moment when he heard the news – if Zayn hadn’t already signed his solo contract by that time – but he’s not gonna tell Zayn that. “You doing alright?”

Zayn hums. “It was bound to happen, I guess. We just didn’t make each other happy anymore, it’s better this way.”

Niall hums as noncommittedly as possible, bites his tongue to stop himself from asking why he left, then. He _knows_ why he did, knows it didn't really have anything to do with her. He also doesn't ask why they played the happy couple right up to the end, because he gathered a long time ago that's how they dealt with problems.

“Congrats on the contract with RCA though”, he says. “Pretty big deal, that.”

“Thanks, Niall”, Zayn says softly. “You do know I never meant to talk bad about the band’s music, yeah? That I only meant it as this is the music I’ve always wanted to make?”

“Yeah, ‘course”, Niall mumbles, even though it had stung pretty badly when Zayn had tweeted about making “real music”. He’d been pretty hurt in general, the fact that Zayn had left the band they owed everything to and that Niall loved more than anything to do his own thing still didn’t feel all that great, if he’s honest.

“So how're you doing?” Zayn asks, breaking the slightly awkward silence. “Got a show tonight?”

“Yeah”, Niall says and wonders what they're doing now. Small talk? “We're in Chicago tonight, and Milwaukee on the 25th.”

Zayn hums. “Day off tomorrow, then? You doing anything?”

“Dunno yet”, Niall mumbles, then clears his throat. “Zayn. What are you doing? You haven't talked to me in months, and now you're calling for some small talk? I'm just a bit confused.”

“Told you, I miss you”, Zayn says. “Is that okay? If we start talking again? I know it's my fault we stopped in the first place, but I don't… I don’t wanna lose you.”

Niall sighs. “Of course, Zayn. I don’t want to lose you either.”

The rush of air through the line sounds like a relieved sigh. “I'm glad. So then, indulge me. How's America, good as always?”

“Yeah, it's good. Had some pretty great crowds for the past few shows, and we actually got to go out and see a bit this time around. Not for long, obviously, but they managed to sneak us out a couple of times. Went on a hike with Mark, did some golfing, walked around Toronto and stuff.”

“That sounds great, Ni”, Zayn says softly. “I'm happy you're having fun.”

There's a lump in Niall's throat but he swallows around it to say, “I'm glad you called, Zayn.”

“Me too”, Zayn gives back and Niall can tell he's smiling.

It kind of goes from there, they talk and talk until suddenly there’s a knock on Niall’s door and Basil reminds him it’s time to meet up with the boys to head to soundcheck.

“Coming!” he calls back and then lowers his voice to talk into his phone again. “Um…”

“I heard”, Zayn says. “Soundcheck?”

“Yeah”, Niall nods, even though Zayn can’t see him. “We’re having lunch at the stadium, should get going.”

“Alright”, Zayn says. “Have fun, yeah? And…is it okay if I call you from time to time?”

“Yeah, Zayn, of course. Anytime.”

“Cool.” Zayn sounds like he’s grinning again. “Later, then?”

“Later”, Niall grins back and cringes a bit at how _giddy_ he sounds. “Bye, Zayn.”

“Love you!” Zayn calls and Niall thinks it’s better that his finger was already too close to the end button to stop before he hits it, because it’s a bit early to be saying that back. Especially when he’s already told him once today and is probably a bit too willing to forgive him for his months long silence.

“About time”, Basil says when Niall meets him in the hallway in front of his hotel room, then looks at Niall a bit more closely. “What’ve you been up to in that room? Your smile looks…different.”

“Can’t a lad just be in a good mood?” Niall asks, fighting the blush he can feel creeping up to his cheeks. “Had a nice chat with me ma, is all.” He’s not sure why he’s lying, but he doesn’t want Basil – or anyone for that matter – to know that Zayn is the reason for his good mood. It’s embarrassing how he _still_ affects him.

He’s sharing a car with Harry today, while Liam and Louis take a different one – for safety reasons. “So what was that text about?” is the first thing Harry asks, without any introduction.

“Um”, Niall makes, not sure how to do this. “Have you been on the internet at all today?”

“Not really”, Harry says with a shake of his head that makes his hair brush Niall’s cheek. Harry’s sitting awfully close to him. “Why?”

“Well…Zayn sorta called me on the radio today?”

Harry’s face would be funny with his wide eyes and gaping mouth, if he didn’t look so genuinely surprised, or maybe even shocked. Niall places his hand on his thigh because he can’t have Harry being upset, it’s a terrible sight.

“I had no idea he would”, he explains. “I was doing this telephone interview, yeah? With this small station back home, and they had fans call in.”

“And Zayn called?” Harry asks. “Like that one time you were on Radio 1?”

“It was creepily similar”, Niall says. “Like, I was shell-shocked, but it went a lot like that call back then.”

“Hm”, Harry hums. “Did he say what he rang for?”

“Nah, we acted like we talk all the time. Figured it was better that way, since it was all over the internet minutes later.”

“Probably the right thing to do”, Harry nods. “I wonder what made him do it, though. D’you think he's gonna try and contact the rest of us too, now?”

“Haz”, Niall tries, quietly.

“Oh!” Harry interrupts him. “What are you gonna tell Louis? Are you gonna tell him?”

“I've gotta, don't I?” Niall says. “He's gonna find out anyway, might as well just get it over with and avoid some blow out if I try to hide it from him.”

“Well”, Harry drawls. “Good luck then, I guess.”

Niall elbows him. “Shut up, you tosser. It's not like I asked him to call me, it's not my fault.”

And just like that, Niall's suddenly missed his cue to tell Harry that he's actually just been talking to Zayn, that _he_ made the call this time.

„We don't even have that much time”, Harry muses. “Lunch and then soundcheck right after, are you gonna tell them between then and the show?”

“Suppose so”, Niall shrugs. “Why’re you making this such a big deal? Now you've gotten me all stressed about it.”

“Sorry, sorry!” Harry says. “I didn't mean to. It's gonna be fine, it's just Liam and Louis.”

“Exactly”, Niall mutters. He hopes Louis’ calmed down since the last time they mentioned Zayn.

-

Apparently he hasn't. His mouth forms the same pinched line it has since March as soon as Zayn's name leaves Niall's mouth and he crosses his arms stubbornly when Niall is done.

“If he'd have the nerve to call me, I'd give him a piece of my fucking mind”, he grumbles.

“Not live on the radio, you wouldn't”, Niall says. “You told the world on telly everything was alright between you when it's clearly not.”

“Just because you didn’t doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have, you don’t know what I would’ve done! Stop projecting your character on others, maybe someone else would’ve had the balls to speak their mind.”

“Wow”, Niall says, a bit shocked and also kinda offended. “That’s kinda defensive for someone who’s got nothing to hide, isn’t it?”

“Shut up, Niall”, Louis grits but Niall can’t not say anything at this point. He loves Louis, but he won’t let him walk all over him.

“I'm just saying, don't go around taking this out on me, it's between you and Zayn. Maybe you should give him that “piece of your fucking mind” and be done with it.”

“I don’t want to talk to him!” Louis raises his voice and for some reason his defensiveness makes Niall angry.

“Why not? Do you just hold this grudge to still have something between the two of you? Are you afraid it'll be over forever if you face it?”

Harry takes a sharp breath and this time Louis’ voice is slightly hysterical when he shouts, “shut up!”

Liam grabs his arm and shoots Niall a look that clearly tells him to back off, so Niall does. He watches Liam lead Louis away, talking to him intently and rubbing his arm occasionally. Niall thinks it says a lot that Louis hasn't pushed him away yet and cringes a little. Apparently that was a real low blow.

“How do you do that?” Harry asks and Niall turns to him, confused.

“Do what?”

“You're really scary when you're angry, actually”, Harry explains, but Niall doesn't understand. Literally no one has ever called him scary. “It's like you always know just what to say to make it hurt. Like, I dunno, you watch people and then you know more about them than they know themselves, it seems. You're, like, really perceptive.”

“I didn't mean to…I feel really bad now”, Niall mumbles. “That wasn't what I wanted to do, I just – I dunno, he annoyed me and I've been on edge all day-“

“It's okay, Niall”, Harry says and pulls him into a hug that Niall accepts gratefully. “This blew a bit out of proportion but Louis’ not gonna hold a grudge against you. You should both apologise and then it'll be done with.”

Niall nods against Harry’s shoulder, determined to fix this as soon as possible. Louis seems to hide from him though, and like, Niall’s willing to give him some space, but Liam won’t tell him where Louis is either.

“I’m not picking sides or anything”, he insists. “I just promised not to tell anyone because he needed some alone time, and you can talk to him when he comes back.”

“Knowing him that’ll be right before we get on stage”, Niall grumps. “I don’t want this to go on out there, the fans’ll catch up on it.”

“Yeah, course”, Liam says and squeezes his shoulders. “It’ll be alright, yeah? Don’t worry too much, Nialler.”

“Thanks, Payno”, Niall mumbles and gives him a small smile.

He, too, stays to himself for the rest of the afternoon, doesn’t meddle with the band and crew as usual but toys with his phone instead, keeping an eye out for Louis. When Icona Pop go out on stage, Louis still hasn’t returned and Niall can feel himself getting pissed again. He wants to fix this, but what can he do if Louis won’t let him?

Niall finally spots him when they have about ten minutes left before going on stage, while he’s getting his hair fixed by Lou. Louis glares at him from across the room and Niall glares back, but thankfully Louis doesn’t run away again. He waits for Niall to approach him with crossed arms.

“Sorry for saying that, it was rude and unfair”, Niall says, because he really feels bad for that bit. “I’m not so sorry for getting mad at you, to be honest. There’s no need to blame me.”

“I know, sorry”, Louis says reluctantly. “I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that.”

“It’s alright”, Niall says and for a moment considers telling Louis about the second phone call between him and Zayn but then decides it’d only backfire terribly. Especially right before a show.

There’s still some tension left, or maybe it’s a sort of tenderness, when they go on stage and Niall and Louis don’t interact as much as they usually would, but Niall thinks it isn’t too noticeable.

He’s barely back at the hotel when his phone rings, Zayn’s name flashing across the screen. He picks up, asking “Did you stop the time?”

There’s a breath and then Zayn’s confused “What?”

Niall chuckles. “I literally just got back to the hotel, but it was a joke.”

“Well, I did kind of estimate how long it might take you”, Zayn admits a little sheepishly. “How’d it go?”

“The show was good”, Niall plays dumb. “American crowds are still great.”

“I’m glad”, Zayn says. “But I actually meant with the boys.”

“Um”, Niall makes. “They’re confused, mostly. Louis wasn’t exactly chuffed. I mean, I’m still pretty confused myself, this all happened so quickly and I guess none of us expected it to happen. Like, I sorta expected you to call after that shit with Naughty…with Shahid went down but when you didn’t I just…I guess I accepted that you’d never ring.”

“Niall…” Zayn sounds sad again and Niall sighs.

“Sorry”, he huffs. “It’s just not something you get over that quickly. I thought I’d… _we’d_ lost you.”

“I’m sorry”, Zayn repeats. “And I understand that it takes time. I just hope you’ll be able to forgive me one day.”

Niall doesn’t say anything, doesn’t know what, so Zayn continues eventually. “And about Shahid…I guess I didn’t reach out because I was embarrassed. I’d started to see what he was doing a couple weeks earlier, that he was just using my name to gain fame, and we had a fight. Him leaking that video was like the last drop and I sort of…exploded. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it via twitter but I was so _angry_ , I felt so used.”

Niall doesn’t say that he had had a bad feeling about this “friendship” of Zayn’s for way longer, or that he thinks it makes sense for a friendship lived that publicly over twitter to end that way as well. “I’m sorry that happened to you”, he says instead.

“And the thing is, he’s really got talent, you know?” Zayn continues. “He’s already got success, he wouldn’t have had to try to climb the ladder of success through me, he would’ve made it himself eventually, I’m sure. And if he’d been honestly just there for me I would’ve happily worked with him, but definitely not like this. He fucked me over, so I fucked him over.”

“Yeah, you did”, Niall chuckles. “The whole world was watching.”

Zayn laughs a little, sounding embarrassed. “I probably overreacted but there was so much going on during that time and I was stressed because of the break up and already pissed at him anyway-“

“Wait”, Niall interrupts. “Didn’t you break up a couple of weeks later?”

“Um, no. We only had the statement released this month but it’s been this way for a while.”

“Wow”, Niall says. “You doing alright then, yeah?”

Zayn hums. “Can get a bit lonely. I go to visit my family regularly and Jawaad is over quite often but it’s been a bit…dull lately, now that I’m back home and the contract with RCA is signed, songs written and recorded and everything. Don’t have much to do?”

“You not planning to take over the fashion industry?” Niall jokes, because what else is he supposed to do? It’s not like he can say that Zayn wouldn’t be bored if he was with them right now. Or how he could've called him when they were in LA at the same time last month. Right around their 5-year-anniversary, which was quite the subdued affair. Niall hasn’t told anyone about it, but he found Louis watching fan-made videos in his hotel room and they spent over an hour watching one after another. It isn’t as if Niall has forgotten any of the stuff the five of them have done, but watching it as a video compilation with soft filters and sad music made them both very emotional. Louis tweeted about it back then, but they promised each other not to tell anyone that they’d both cried a little. Liam was once again the only one who dared mentioning Zayn, and Zayn promptly replied, which made Niall selfishly wish it’d been him.

“Niall?” Zayn asks and Niall realises he's apparently zoned out for a bit. He’s clearly missed whatever Zayn has said about his ventures into the fashion world at the Paris Fashion Show.

“Oh, sorry, I was just-“ He hesitates but then sighs, making the decision to stop avoiding long overdue questions. “I was just wondering, Zayn, why you've spent so much time pretty close to us yet never made an effort to contact anyone.”

“Are you talking about LA?” Zayn asks.

“Among other things.”

“First of all, I didn't know you'd keep coming back to LA from all of the shows you played on the west coast”, he starts, but then sighs and is quiet for a minute. Niall waits. “Okay, we both know those are excuses. I don’t know, it's hard to explain what I've been feeling these past few months. I mean, I've sorta wanted to avoid you, but also most other people I know. Except for those who've known me before the band, I guess. I don't know, I'm in a strange state of mind and I feel as if everyone who knows me only as Zayn from 1D is looking at me differently now, and I've been having a hard time dealing with it. So I've been clinging to the people I know from before and ignoring everything that reminded me of you guys. And I was scared. There's no other way to say it, but I just couldn't pick up my phone and send you a “hey, I'm in LA too, let's meet up”. You don't know how often I almost did it, but I chickened out last minute every time. I'm really sorry, Ni.”

Niall is quiet, but he thinks he gets it. Being in 1D is sort of what's identified them ever since the X Factor and having that taken away must feel very disorienting, especially if everyone else around you feels it too. He gets it, but the stubborn and selfish part of him still wants Zayn to have stayed close.

“And then at Wireless Festival”, Zayn interrupts his thoughts. “I honestly didn't find out you'd been there until after I left. I only came to see Melissa perform, watched her from the side stage and left again. She's one of those people from before and we've gotten back in touch so I wanted to be there to support her. I would've come see you if I'd known you were there, you have to believe me.”

“I didn't know you were there either”, Niall says. “But it would've been nice if you'd told me this after you found out I was there.”

“I understand that you're gonna keep giving me shit for a while”, Zayn says. “And you've got every right to. But you need to understand that I'm not giving up this time, and that all I want is for you to forgive me eventually. Is it okay if I keep calling you? I don't want to annoy you but I also want to stay in touch this time, I wanna keep talking to you.”

“Yeah, it's okay if we keep talking”, Niall says. “I'll need a bit more time, but I still care about you, Zayn.” This time, he'll work up to that “I love you”, won't just let it slip out. Zayn needs to know he's hurt them all, more so by ignoring them than actually leaving the band, because they would've understood.

He tells Zayn as much and Zayn makes a sad little sound. “I know. I wish I could take back most of the stuff I did or didn't do, but I also know that I couldn't have acted any different. I needed this time to figure out who I am without the band. Away from the band.”

“And you've figured it out?” Niall asks, thinking about the relationships Zayn has ended, the bridges he's burned.

Zayn chuckles. “I'm getting there.”


	3. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well...looks like i'm still not done. sorry! i'm posting this now though because i'm pretty busy at work and don't know how long it'll take me to actually finish this fic. i'm hoping within a week but i can't promise anything, so i hope you enjoy this :) thanks so much for the comments/kudos/asks!!

The problem is that Niall has really missed the opportunity to ever tell the others a week later, when they've travelled from Chicago to Milwaukee, to Cleveland and Detroit, even when he's talked to Zayn every day since, either via texts or when Zayn's called him. Niall doesn't really initiate their conversations, but he replies when Zayn texts him and answers whenever Zayn calls. He hasn't told the other boys yet though, and feels like he's already moved past that point. How is he gonna admit he's kept this secret for a week?

They're almost in Philadelphia now and Niall is trying to figure out whether it'd be worse to tell them now or to keep it secret for longer and risk them finding out at a bad time. Unfortunately, he's quite the procrastinator when it comes to uncomfortable talks so he knows he's already lost this battle against himself before it's even really started.

He's got lots of friends and everyone he hangs out with is used to him being on his phone a lot so no one ever asks him who he's texting, which makes it even easier to keep whatever him and Zayn are doing a secret. There's no real reason to tell anyone, because he still remembers how angry Louis was and how disappointed Harry seemed that Zayn hadn't reached out to him too. So in a way, or so Niall tries to tell himself, he's only protecting his boys.

They've only got six shows left in North America, three in the US and three in Canada, and then Niall's gonna celebrate his birthday a week late when he's back home. Their last show is in Boston on September 12th and his birthday is a Sunday, so there's no point in rushing home right after the show. Him and Zayn haven't really talked about what's gonna happen when they're both back in London. Niall hasn't invited him to his birthday party because he isn't sure if Zayn would want to come and if he himself is ready to face him. Especially with so many other people around, it has the potential to be more than awkward. If he's honest, talking to Zayn again has caused him more stress than he would've thought before. Yeah, he's happy Zayn hasn't vanished from his life completely, but he also feels as if he hasn't slept well ever since that day in Chicago, he's even more stressed than usual and constantly worried.

It's not just the keeping it secret, though. Niall sorta wishes it was that easy, because at least there'd be a way out then. This way though, it's more the constant nagging questions and feelings Zayn has managed to free from the very back of Niall's mind. What does this mean for them? What does it mean for _him_? For the feelings he's been trying to push away for as long as he can think?

The thought of actually seeing Zayn again is frightening, terrifying really. What's he gonna say, how is he gonna act around him? Niall fears that it'll be harder to contain himself when he hasn't seen Zayn in so long. He has a history of hugging Zayn for a bit too long when they hadn't seen each other for a while over break, and this is something else entirely. There's also the small fact that it's been ages since Zayn has been single - not that Niall thinks he has a chance or whatever now, but still. He doesn't really know what he's gonna do when he sees Zayn again, and he doesn't like not being able to prepare himself.

He talks to Zayn about anything and everything, except for his birthday and coming back to London. It's funny how little everything else - apart from how Zayn isn't with them anymore - has changed, Niall often thinks. Him and Zayn still don't run out of things to say, no matter how long they talk for. Sometimes they're quiet on the phone though, and that's fine too. Zayn has always been the person for Niall he can just _be_ with, and more than anything he's happy that has stayed the same, stress or not. When it’s just them, Niall doesn’t really think about any of that.

He’s quite good at ignoring obvious things like how Zayn doesn’t tweet Liam for his birthday, even though Liam says he at least sent a generic “happy birthday bro :)” via text that apparently hasn’t led to a proper conversation since then. Liam told Niall he feels a bit strange about it, doesn’t really know what to say to Zayn that wouldn’t sound either accusing or like he’s ignoring the situation. Niall feels awkward considering he talks to Zayn more than he talks to them some days, but he keeps quiet about it.

They've been in America for a long time already, and Niall doesn't entirely feel ready to go home yet. As it is though, the slower he wants time to pass, the quicker it actually does. The days seem to race and before he knows it they've left Canada behind and are in Boston, preparing for their last American show of the tour.

"Last show as a 21 year old!" Liam says, sidling up to him and nudging him with his elbow. "How's it feel?"

"Don't tell me you've forgotten over the last two weeks! We haven't had _that_ much to drink", Niall teases him. "You've literally just been in the same situation."

Liam laughs. "You know, I'm getting old. It's the old age not the drinking that's making me forget. You should write everything down from now on."

"Shut up", Niall laughs. "You're so full of shit."

"You're not wrong about that, little Nialler", Louis announces himself. "However, we do have a stage to get on in ten minutes, I hope you're ready."

"Are you gonna try and get him back tonight?" Niall asks as soon as Louis' far enough away.

"Oh, I've gotten back at him plenty of times", Liam says. "But tonight, I'm gonna get him _good_."

Niall laughs. Watching Liam and Louis fight onstage and occasionally being dragged in too has been one of his favourite parts about the tour so far and he's as excited about finding out what they're gonna do each night – whether it's water, energy drinks, silly string or fire extinguishers – as the fans.

Niall likes it when they involve him in their play fights, even if it involves ending up on the floor or with ripped jeans, because at least it's a _thing_ he has with someone on stage. It's the same with the dance he and Liam sometimes do during Act My Age or Story of My Life. Him and Zayn used to have a _thing_ on every tour and he misses it, misses messing around with him onstage. Misses that stupid nipple-nipple-bellybutton thing they kept going throughout all of Take Me Home Tour and eventually even used off stage as some sort of display of affection. The other boys were constantly teasing them about it, but Niall liked it too much to care.

So even though it's different with Liam and Louis – for obvious reasons – Niall still enjoys having something like a routine with them.

They have a blast on stage that night, exactly the way they should for their last American show. Liam douses Louis with water and then covers him in silly string and confetti and ends up almost as messy as Louis in the process. Niall and Harry stand at the sidelines and laugh, at least until the other two turn on them as well and they have to run. Unsurprisingly, Harry falls and gives Liam the chance to pour a whole bottle of water over his body while Niall manages to escape Louis – mostly.

They take a wet and confetti-covered selfie onstage that Niall posts on instagram right after the show and then they head back to the hotel to get ready for Niall's first birthday party. It's not supposed to be a very big thing, just them and the crew and some friends who are in the US anyway at a club where Niall's booked the VIP section for the night.

Him and Louis share a car there and when they arrive, it's already almost midnight. Everybody cheers when they see Niall and he has a drink in his hand before he's even properly entered the club, so there's no hope for this to be a chill night right away.

At midnight, everyone wants to hug him and make a toast or make him drink for another reason so Niall is pretty smashed before 1am and stays that way until well into the night. They have to be back at the hotel by 6am to get to the airport in time, Niall is still drunk by that time and hasn't slept for a minute but manages to get ready just in time. He's really glad he's been made to pack his stuff the day before.

-

The moment the plane touches down in London, Niall decides he's in no condition to meet fans outside the airport today. He usually tries to meet as many of them as possible, have a chat, take a selfie, just to have something to give back to them, but his head is still pounding and there's a pressure behind his eyes that makes him want nothing more than his bed. An overseas flight with a hangover very obviously isn't a good idea, and Niall feels much older than 22 years and a day. Not even a whole one, probably, but he's too tired to figure out what time and date it is. He's gonna call his parents and maybe his grandma after he wakes up, but his friends can text him if they want something. He's really not in the mood to face anyone, if he's being honest.

Willie seems to feel similar, he grumbles a little when Niall grabs his shoulder to wake him up, but doesn't open his eyes all the way. "I'm gonna have Basil get us out of here without anyone seeing us, alright?" he asks and Willie nods, looking as pleased as possible without moving his head or opening his eyes.

"Never gonna party with you again Nialler, I'm too old for this shit", he groans and Niall laughs a little, wincing when his head starts throbbing more again.

"We both know you love being my date. And I'm hungover as fuck too, not a question of age."

Basil gets them a little while later, after all the other passengers have left the plane, and leads them straight to a waiting car. It all goes smoothly, and Niall is very grateful for that as he drops his head against the headrest and closes his eyes for the drive to his house.

He's the only one from the band who's flown back home, the others have gone to LA for a quick holiday. He'd have done the same, but he's got a birthday party to plan and even though it's not like he's gonna do much of it himself, Niall figures it'd be nice to at least be in the country.

At home, he strips right down to his boxers and climbs into bed, which feels all the more comfy because it's his own one again. Briefly, he wonders whether he should get up again to plug his phone in but he's way too tired, so that's gonna have to wait until after he wakes up.

Willie's puttering about in the kitchen when Niall wakes up, and he buries his head in his pillow with a happy sigh. Home.

He takes a long shower to get rid of the dirty feeling he always gets after long flights and trudges down to the kitchen to find out what Willie's been cooking. It's already dark out and the blinking number on his microwave tells him it's almost 10pm, so he makes a detour to get his phone first. He leaves it plugged in and eats a serving of the pasta Willie has cooked. They don't talk much and Niall assumes Willie feels much like him, still half asleep and slightly disoriented after the flight.

He puts the dishes in the dishwasher and Willie pats his back before plopping down on the sofa in the lounge. Niall gets his phone and ignores the notifications – there're too many to quickly look over them – and calls his mum instead.

"Sweetheart!" she greets him. "Happy birthday! Have you arrived home safe?"

"Thanks, mum", Niall smiles. "Yeah, everything went well. Slept a bit already and Willie made us...dinner, or whatever that was now."

They chat for a few minutes, Maura wants to know how the last few days in America were and if he'll have a bit of time to spare for his family despite of his party the next weekend, and Niall asks after his grandma and Theo and tells his mum about some of the things he got up to in America.

There's a lot she can find out anyway so he tells her more than usual boys his age probably do, but some things he'd still like to keep to himself. He doesn't tell her about Zayn either, hasn't told anyone about how they're talking again, but she doesn't ask him anyway. She tried to get him to "talk about it" for a while after Zayn left and it made Niall wonder whether she knew more than he told her, but apparently his constant refusal has made her give up at this point.

After they've hung up, Niall makes a very similar but much shorter call to his dad, not because they don't get along or have nothing to talk about, but because Bobby prefers talking to his son from face to face instead of doing it over the phone – which usually means Niall gets to recount everything in greater detail when he visits. Or, in this case, when Bobby flies over for his birthday party.

Afterwards, he starts in on all the texts he's gotten – so many that it's a bit overwhelming. He copy pastes " _thanks bro ! Appreciate it x_ " into all the replies where it fits and occasionally adds something a bit more personal if he knows the person better. Then he comes across a text from Louis that just says " _wtf_ ". Nothing else, no explanation. Niall frowns and thumbs across his screen to get to his missed calls (the little red "23" over the phone symbol has kept him away from it until now) and sees that even though Louis himself hasn't called him, both Liam and Harry have – which is weird, they rarely call each other when they're on break, especially if they've just partied together the night before.

With a confused frown, Niall goes back to his texts and scrolls through them in search for some kind of explanation. He hesitates when he finds Zayn's name among the texters, having apparently sent him five texts. He's not sure what this would have to do with Zayn, but he feels like he should check anyway, so he opens them.

_happy bday bro ! Xxxx hope u had a good night x_

_Seen some pics, looks sick ! Aha :) xx_

_you home yet? x_

_niall, u good?_

_are you ignoring me because of the tweet? didn't think it was such a big deal. Cool._

Niall's heart is pounding and he's not sure what to think about first. The over-interpreting part of his brain tells him that Zayn used unnecessarily many x's in his first few texts while the realistic part tells him to shut up. Then there's the inexplicable disappointment in Zayn's last text and what is he even talking about?

Obviously, he opens up twitter next and finds that there's even more there, even just from other celebrities. He does find Zayn's tweet pretty quickly though and nearly chokes.

" _happy birthday mr @NiallOfficial ! x can't wait to see ya soon :) x_ "

"ziall is real" is trending again and Niall feels a bit like throwing his phone against the wall. That tweet makes it sound as if him and Zayn haven't only talked about meeting up but have actually made plans already, and it makes it obvious they're still in touch. Which is Not Good considering all of Niall's friends and family are under the impression him and Zayn haven't talked in months. Except for that one phone call of course, but that wasn't Niall's fault.

Suddenly, the boys' texts and calls make sense and Niall feels dread pool in his stomach. He's really fucked up.

He opens up the text conversation with Louis and hovers over the screen, unsure of what to say. Eventually, he settles for _let me explain?_.

Reluctantly, he goes back to answering texts, tweets a general thank you to everyone for the nice messages and ignores Zayn completely. Mostly because he wants to explain everything to the boys first, but also because he just doesn't know what to say. He's gotten himself into a right mess.

It takes over an hour but eventually, Louis texts back a short _ok_. Niall calls Harry and has him get Liam and Louis so he can FaceTime the three of them. He doesn't want to have the same conversation several times.

They're quiet for a minute while Niall takes in the faces of his friends. Neither of them look particularly happy with him, but he figures it could be worse. Not even Louis looks completely mad.

"So", he starts, and Louis raises his eyebrows. It's hard to find a start to this. "I'm sorry for not telling you. We've...me and Zayn, we've been talking a bit since he called me on the radio that one time. Like, texting and sometimes calling each other. Dunno why he tweeted that though, we haven't been planning to meet up or anything. It's just...I know I should've told you but I felt so strange about it. I have no idea why he picked me to get back in touch with, I haven't reached out to him or whatever. Not in a while, at least. Still, I shouldn't've kept it a secret, I just didn't know how to tell you."

"Can't say I really understand why you couldn't tell us", Liam says after a minute, "but it's okay. I'm glad you're talking, that he's talking to someone. Just wish you'd...trust us, I guess."

"I do! Trust you, I mean", Niall says hurriedly. "I'm really sorry for not telling you."

Harry nods slowly. "It's alright. Maybe you could tell him to say hi to the rest of us too when you next speak with him."

"Yeah, I will", Niall says, relieved even though he's not sure how or when to contact Zayn next. Louis is still quiet though, sitting next to Liam without moving, barely in the frame. "Lou? You're not mad, are you?"

"I don't know, Niall", Louis sighs. "Can't say it feels great or anything."

"It's not like I'm picking him over you, though", Niall says. "I'm not "picking" anyone, you're both my friends and the two of you are friends too. If you could just drop the whole pride act and talk to each other, I'm sure it'd be the same as always. You're still partners in crime."

"We're not, though." Louis looks sad again and Niall hates it, makes him want to reach through the screen to try and comfort him. "What crimes would we be partners in? He took that away."

"Then maybe you have to figure out how to be friends without being partners in crime", Niall says softly. "Or, like, how to be partners in crime while you're apart. I'm sure it'd be worth it, Louis."

"I need to think about it", Louis mumbles, getting up and leaving the frame Niall can see through Harry's MacBook. He can see both Harry's and Liam's eyes following him and assumes Louis has left the room. Niall sighs deeply.

"He'll get over it", Harry says and Liam nods emphatically.

"I know, yeah", Niall says.

The two of them watch him for a minute and then Liam asks quietly: "So are you gonna see Zayn soon?"

"I don't think so", Niall mumbles. "We haven't even talked about meeting up or whatever, it's been texting and calling, not even facetiming. Don't feel ready to face him yet." The last bit is very quiet and very honest, but Liam and Harry just seem to accept it. There's not much else to talk about since the others haven't really done anything in LA yet either, so they end the call not long after.

Louis calls Niall two hours later. It's not really a surprise to Niall, but he still answers after the first ring. "Lou, hey."

"Hi, Nialler", Louis replies and it's much softer than Niall has heard all night. "Sorry for being such a dickhead."

"It's okay", Niall says. "I understand."

"Are you okay, though?" Louis asks. "With him picking you out of all of us?"

"What do you mean?" Niall asks cautiously.

"Like...do you ever wonder if it means something?"

"No", Niall says, and Louis silence tells him that was probably too quick. He sighs defeatedly. "Of course I've thought about it. But it doesn't mean anything. It can't."

"Why not? He's single now, remember?"

"But he's not gay. Or bi, whatever. He's not into men."

"How do you know that? Has he ever said? You haven't told him that you are either, have you?"

"Well...no. But I just always figured you'd all find out anyway."

"You've dated enough girls to hide it", Louis argues. "I wouldn't have known if I hadn't caught you and your big friend making out earlier this year. I mean, I could've guessed from your extensive list of man crushes, but I thought you'd tell me in time."

Louis is right, Niall's had plenty of flings with girls – usually nothing that last longer than a few weeks – to divert attention from his relationships with men. Not that there's been that many, most were just casual hook-ups with friends, one time things or regularly when he's in the area. The longest and most intense one was probably Adam over in Australia, they've hooked up whenever Niall visited there and even when Adam flew back to Ireland or London, and Niall thinks he maybe could've fallen in love with him, if his heart hadn't somehow attached itself to Zayn so irrevocably.

Adam's the one Louis caught him kissing back in February when they were touring Australia, but he's back with his girlfriend now so Niall thinks it's time to let him go for good.

"Doesn't matter", he says now. "Even if he was into men in general, which I doubt, he's not into _me_."

"I hate how you put yourself down", Louis sighs. "But alright, it's your choice. I just wanted to tell you that I'm not mad at you and that I'll maybe text Zayn sometime soon."

"Really?" Niall asks and surprises himself with the delight in his voice. "I'm proud of you, Lou."

"One of us has got to take the higher road", Louis says and Niall chuckles.

"Well, I'm glad. Dunno if I'll be talking to him myself before that...I don't think I can face him yet."

"Aw, Niall." Both of them are quiet for a bit before Louis speaks again. "Still bad, then?"

Niall laughs, but it doesn't sound very happy. "You could say that. It's just...I thought I was finally getting over it, but apparently I'm not. It's frustrating, actually."

"I'm sorry", Louis says. "And take your time, alright? Talk to him if you feel like it, meet him if you feel like that. But you don't owe him anything, do this in your own time."

"Yeah", Niall nods. "Will do. Thanks, Louis."

"Anytime, mate."

-

The week passes quickly as Niall spends his time calling back the people who rang for his birthday, catching up with everyone, and trying to be as involved as possible in the organisation of his birthday party.

He ignores the texts Zayn keeps sending him in irregular intervals, usually asking him to please say something. Sometimes he apologises too, and it makes Niall feel quite sad. But he just can't talk to Zayn quite yet, and the longer he waits the harder it gets, somehow. How can he explain his reluctance? So he never replies, even though it's one of the hardest things he's ever had to do, and his whole body aches with how much he misses Zayn again. He thought he'd lost him once, and this is the same all over again.

When the night of his party comes around however, Niall pushes all thoughts of Zayn aside. So many of his friends and family are coming, he'll make sure they enjoy the night, and he wants to have fun too. It's only once that he turns 22, after all.

Louis, Liam and Harry have all come back from LA in time to attend, which is rare enough these days. Niall spends his night darting between them and the LIC, his family, the friends he's made during his time in One Direction and the ones from before. There's plenty of alcohol involved, and around 4am, an exhausted Niall drops down onto a sofa next to Harry, whose jetlag has him still wide awake.

"Are you having a good time, Haz?" he asks, resting his head against Harry's familiar shoulder.

Harry pets his hair. "I am, thank you. You're quite drunk, aren't you?"

"Fucking wasted", Niall cackles and then can't stop for a minute, which just goes to show.

"Well, I'm glad you're enjoying your party, that's what this is for, after all." He hesitates. "I'm a bit drunk myself."

"Y'are?" Niall slurs.

"Not as much", Harry drawls and Niall looks at his face, supposes his glassy eyes could be an indication. "Been thinking about some stuff. Like, you could've invited Zayn, yeah?"

Niall doesn't say anything.

"Don't you miss him? I miss him."

Niall hiccups and Harry's grip on him tightens. "I miss him too much."

"Why didn't you invite him, then?" Harry asks softly and apparently Niall is in that state of drunk where something as little as that can make him cry, because suddenly Harry is full on hugging him while he cries into his shoulder.

Harry shushes him gently and when Niall has stopped blubbering he asks, "Niall, what's the matter? D'you wanna talk about it?"

Niall shakes his head but Harry keeps rubbing his back soothingly and eventually he sighs. "He just...doesn't miss me the way I miss him."

Harry's quiet for a minute. "Has he told you he doesn't...miss you the same way?"

If Niall were less drunk, he'd maybe wonder why Harry hesitates the way he does, but in his inebriated state, he doesn't question anything, just shrugs. "I guess not. I just know."

"If I were you I wouldn't be so sure, I mean, _he_ called _you_ on the radio."

"And _I_ told him I loved him", Niall says in the same tone, then realises what he's just said and they're both very quiet, not moving.

"So...", Harry says slowly when Niall starts fidgeting.

"Please don't say anything."

"No, I just sort of had a feeling...I mean, you've told me you love me a million times, but it's more than that, yeah? With him?"

Well, Niall thinks, he's already given away pretty much everything. He nods miserably.

"Oh, Niall", Harry just says, and it's all he says for a very long time. Niall is half asleep on his shoulder when Harry jostles him a little. "Text him", he says. "Tell him you miss him."

"Why?" Niall asks. "No."

Harry sighs and gets up, drags Niall to his feet too. "Well, we can't have that. Let's get you some liquid courage."

Niall is too tired – and possibly still too drunk – to protest, which is how he ends up with two more shots that he empties with Harry.

-

When Niall wakes up, he feels kind of alright for the morning after his birthday party, especially considering how much he had to drink. Then again, as he notices once he squints at the alarm on his bedside table, it's well past noon already.

Groggily, he reaches for his phone and sees that he's got plenty of texts from people thanking him for the party, and again there's one that stands out to him. It's from Zayn, and Niall groans when he remembers his talk with Harry and how he made him text Zayn.

He rereads his own text ( _im sory for ignoring u I jst didn’t no wat t say but please can we tlk again I miss u so much_ ) and then a second one that just says _all the time_ , and cringes. Then he focuses on Zayn's reply.

_I'm not saying it's ok but if you still mean it when you're sober then mayb you can explain sum more on the phone_

Niall takes a deep breath, sends back an _i meant it_ and gets up to take a shower.

When he comes back, Zayn has texted that he's free all day if Niall wants to call him. Stalling a little so he has time to gather his courage, Niall has breakfast first, cleans up the kitchen and his room before he reaches for his phone again. Zayn hasn't texted but he figures he's kept him waiting for too long already, so he takes a deep breath and dials his number.

It rings twice and then Zayn answers it with a sort of breathy "Hi."

"Hey", Niall says back. "Hey, Zayn."

"I wasn't sure you'd call", Zayn mumbles and Niall pictures him in his house, maybe his art room, sitting on the sofa and fiddling with a rip in his jeans.

"Yeah, sorry about that", he says quietly. "Dunno what I was thinking. Or wasn't. I'm really sorry."

"No, it's alright. You just did the same thing I did to you earlier this year, only I did it worse, so yeah. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm usually not the type for revenge", Niall says and Zayn chuckles in response.

"I know. I'm just glad you did call."

"Me too", Niall agrees. "I've really missed you, I wasn't just saying that."

"Yeah, let's not do that again", Zayn says. "I never wanna not talk to you again."

It’s kind of a positive surprise how easy it is.

After that, they go back to texting almost constantly and talking on the phone once a day, but Niall can't help but notice that neither of them ever mentions meeting up. He's not even sure if he wants to actually see Zayn, but he definitely doesn't want to be the one to bring it up.

They have six shows in London before they’re bound to tour the rest of the UK, and it’s still kind of incredible to Niall. Each night, the O2 Arena is sold out, the crowds are amazing, and the four of them feel on top of the world. And then, in the middle of their last London show, Niall stops dead when he spots a familiar figure near the side of the stage. He moves to get a closer look but so does the person, and then they’ve vanished. Niall nearly misses his cue on _Alive_ looking for them, but there’s no point.

Still, for the rest of the night Niall is pretty sure he’s just spotted Zayn.

After they get off stage, it’s all over twitter as well, rumours and blurry pictures, but nothing that confirms it.

“Are you sure it was him?” Liam asks and Niall sighs.

“I don’t know, I didn’t get a good look. But for a moment I was so _sure_.”

“I wouldn’t be all that surprised”, Louis says from where he’s lounging on the sofa. “You should call him.”

Harry nods enthusiastically. “Tell him Hi from me!”

Apparently the decision’s been made for him anyway and admittedly Niall does want to know, so he reaches for his phone.

Zayn picks up quickly with a cheerful “Hi, Nialler! How was the show?”

“You tell me”, Niall says and it's quiet for a moment.

And then, “What?” Niall can't tell if he's being genuine or not and he doesn't like it one bit.

“Were you there tonight?” he clarifies. “At the show? I thought I saw you and apparently so did half of twitter.”

“Must've been a convincing lookalike”, Zayn says. “I would've told you if I had come. Did you want me to?”

“No, I don't know, I haven't really thought about it”, Niall stutters and Louis throws him a sharp glance while Liam draws his eyebrows together in confusion. Harry just still looks curious. “I just wanted to know, I guess.”

“It wasn't me”, Zayn says and Niall turns to the others.

“He wasn't here”, he says and Harry’s face falls so he talks into his phone again next. “Harry says Hi.”

“Oh, tell him Hi back! I miss that tosser.”

“He misses you too”, he passes on. “Hi from the rest as well.”

Niall feels a bit strange acting as some sort of mediator between them but he's also glad they're talking in some way, especially Louis. He doesn't know if he's texted Zayn, hasn't asked either of them because he feels like that's between them, but it makes him hopeful.

He calls Zayn again when he's at home, pressing some more because even after a couple of hours have passed he's still sure it can only have been Zayn. He hasn't seen him in months but he'd recognise him anywhere.

"No, you've got this wrong, Niall", Zayn insists. "It wasn't me."

It doesn't do anything to convince Niall but he decides to leave it be. Zayn surely has his reasons to deny being there and he's gonna tell him when he wants to.

A couple of days later, they make their way to Manchester on the tour bus. It's Niall's suggestion to use the bus instead of flying home to London every night - partly for the sake of the environment and partly because it reminds him of the old times and he sometimes misses those.

When he's lying in his bunk at night, listening to Liam and Louis bicker while Harry tries to tell them some story about his mum's new cat, Zayn on the phone with him, he almost feels like he did back then.

Almost.


	4. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for the long wait!! life and stuff.  
> whenever i find time to actually work on this, i start thinking about actual zayn and niall and how i wish they'd interact at least a bit :( niall following zayn on instagram has been the highlight of my week and i hope that zayn will keep up the tradition of tweeting niall for his birthday. so much. if you wanna talk about ziall or anything else, come on over on [tumblr](http://www.kissingziall.tumblr.com) :)

"I talked to Zayn today", Louis tells him about an hour before their second Glasgow show.

"What?" Niall asks, surprised. "Like, you texted him?"

"No, I rang." Niall's face is apparently dumbfounded enough for Louis to laugh. "Yeah, we've been texting for like a week so now I figured I'd call him up. See how he's doing."

"Is it weird that I feel proud?" Niall asks. "I told you it'd all be fine."

"Yeah, yeah", Louis makes and rolls his eyes, walking past Niall and ruffling his hair a little too roughly. "You're the best as usual, Neil."

Niall ignores his sarcastic tone and smiles. Suddenly, he's not sure anymore what he's been waiting for, and he decides he's gonna ask Zayn to hang out as soon as they're back in London. It's probably long overdue.

First though, they travel on to Birmingham for a couple of shows, and when Niall calls Zayn after the first one, it turns out that Zayn has flown over to LA for a couple of days.

"What?" Niall asks when Zayn tells him. "For how long?"

"Just for a week", Zayn answers. "Why do you sound so...disappointed?"

"I'm not disappointed", Niall denies even though he definitely is. It's taken him so long to get to this point and now Zayn isn't there. "You're allowed to go to LA whenever you want."

"Okay...", Zayn makes and sounds as if he sees right through him, so Niall sighs.

"Alright, it's just that I was hoping we could meet up when I get back home the day after tomorrow. We're going to Ireland after, so I won't get to see you then either."

"You want to see me?"

With a start, Niall realises that this whole discussion has only ever been in his head, never between them, and that Zayn probably doesn't even want to see him. He'd have told him otherwise, right?

"Shit", he mumbles and can feel himself blushing. "Nevermind, just forget I said anything. Have a good time in LA!"

He hangs up and buries his head in his hands, mortified. What has he done? He's been thinking about this, debating with himself, so much that he's completely forgotten the discussion has never made it anywhere else and this was in fact the very first time either of them have brought up seeing each other.

His phone buzzes where he's put it next to him and Niall considers ignoring it for a while but it keeps ringing and eventually he picks it up reluctantly. "Zayn?"

"Really, Niall?" Zayn asks. "How old are you?"

"Sorry", Niall mutters, biting at the short nail of his thumb.

"We can talk about stuff", Zayn says, sounding exasperated. "Hanging up on me isn't gonna solve anything."

"I know", Niall says quietly. "I guess I'm just...embarrassed, I dunno. I never even asked you."

"Yeah, well, I noticed that", Zayn mumbles. "Did you think I don't want to see you? I just wanted to give you the chance to be the one to set the pace. I didn't want to force you into anything."

"Yeah?" Niall asks. "I mean, it's kind of taken me until now to make up my mind, so...thank you."

"Don't worry." Zayn's voice sounds soft and it makes Niall smile. "Like, you've been a lot nicer and more forgiving than I probably deserved."

"Nah, everyone makes mistakes. And, like, I guess I understand why you needed time for yourself, even though it'd still have been nice if you'd told me you did."

"I realise that now", Zayn says. "Which is why I know how hard it must've been for you to let me back in your life. But...now you wanna see me? Because I really do, I've missed you a lot."

"Yeah", Niall breathes, a little nervously. "I've missed you, too. When I get back from Ireland and you're home from LA, then?"

"Okay", Zayn agrees. "I'll still call you every day, you're not getting rid of me till then or anything."

Niall laughs. "I wouldn't want it any other way."

-

There's not a long break between Birmingham and Dublin anyway so Niall decides to visit his friends and family in Ireland instead of spending it in London. He hasn't seen them since his birthday and even though a month isn't a lot compared to how long he's usually gone for, it's nice to see them again.

He spends his days playing golf and hanging out with friends and feels completely relaxed by the time he meets the other boys and the crew in Dublin. Niall loves playing in Ireland more than anywhere else and sometimes he feels a bit vain for it because those shows are usually being made about him, but it's not that part he loves most. Or maybe it is, because what he loves most is the feeling he's made his country proud, represented them to the world in a way they approve of.

He's not sure if that makes him vain or just a patriot, but he doesn't really care anyway.

"My dear Irish friend!" Louis booms when he sees Niall and makes the latter laugh with it. Louis' already in his "Niall is Irish"-mode. "So glad you've finally made it!"

"Aw, did ya miss me, Lou?" Niall asks and hugs his friend extra tightly.

Louis struggles a little, but not enough to convince Niall he doesn't secretly enjoy it. "No, we just need you on stage so all the Irish out there don't throw us out."

"Happy to help", Niall laughs.

It's easy to get hyped for the show afterwards, it's been a few days since their last one and they've recharged their energy - both for the stage and for teasing each other. Louis seems to be almost electric tonight, and the other two are unusually excited as well.

It flatters Niall a bit, since he still considers this _his_ show to some extent and he loves seeing them as excited as he is. He goes around to say Hi to everyone and most of the band and crew greet him excitedly, clapping his back or asking him if he's excited for tonight.

When he gets back to their dressing room, Louis, Liam and Harry are standing close, whispering about something, and Niall clears his throat. "Everything alright?"

They jump apart immediately, so startled it looks like in the movies and Niall laughs in surprise. "You hiding something from me?"

"No", Liam says with big puppy eyes and Louis and Harry shake their heads silently, Louis only slightly more convincing than Harry.

Niall lets them believe they've fooled him though, doesn't want to ruin their surprise – whatever it is. It only serves to make him even more excited, and he hopes it's something good.

The screams become deafening a long time before they go on stage and Niall can't help but jump up and down a little while one of the stage hands helps him with his microphone. His fingers twitch for his guitar already and he grins when he spots it a few feet away, ready for him to take it.

Louis and Liam are whispering again, which isn't an unusual sight, but they're looking at an iPhone together and even though Niall can't tell whose it is he's pretty sure they're using it to text somebody. They keep shooting him secretive looks as well and Niall just _knows_ this is about the surprise they seem to have for him. It makes him feel all jittery.

Everything is the same when they go out on stage, they play the regular songs and everyone talks whenever it's their assigned time. Liam and Louis still mess around and the word "Irish" falls more often than Niall can count – the crowd cheers even louder every single time – but thanks to the expectation that there's still something to come, he feels on edge all night.

Backstage before the encore, Niall is pretty sure that the way Lottie and Lou fuss about him the second he gets back there is a distraction from whatever else is going on, he can hear the other boys talking to someone just around the corner, but he lets them.

Niall walks out on stage for You & I and the others join him, but they seem distracted and Louis keeps gesturing to someone backstage in a way he probably thinks is subtle, so Niall isn't surprised at all when they all turn to him after the song.

"What's going on, lads?" he asks, halfway to humour the crowd and halfway them.

"Well, little Nialler", Louis says. "We've got a surprise for you."

There's what sounds like a single scream from the crowd, so loud that Niall startles and for a moment he wonders if the prospect for a surprise has them reacting that way, but then he turns towards the big screens by the stage and.

His heart feels like it's stopped for a second, and the next it starts racing so fast he's sure it's about to jump out of his chest. Because there, on the screen, is Zayn.

For a while, Niall can just stare because this can't be real, this isn't actually happening, right? But then he turns and finds Zayn, the real Zayn, standing right by the stage. And he's here, he really is. Smiling impossibly wide and holding an Irish flag – Niall is pretty sure this is too much for his heart. Zayn's written something on the flag and it takes him a few seconds to read it: "must be the Irish in me". Niall laughs and the whole arena keeps screaming while Zayn's smile gets even bigger.

Niall hops off the stage to approach Zayn, not sure if there is some kind of protocol but he still feels like he's dreaming so he doesn't care all that much. Zayn lowers the flag but opens his arms and Niall falls right into him, no hesitation.

He still fits better than anyone else Niall has ever hugged and he squeezes tightly, doesn't let go for a few precious moments and whispers: "I can't believe you came here."

"Had to, didn't I?" Zayn smiles. "Got back from LA and it felt a bit pointless to wait for you in London."

Niall laughs again and then the others come to hug Zayn as well and there's tears on almost every face Niall sees, hysterical fans and touched parents, and he feels like crying with them.

"You weren't lying about the surprise, Tommo", he says into his microphone when they're back on stage.

"That was a good one, wasn't it?" Liam grins and Harry slings an arm around Niall's shoulders.

"Thank you for having us!" he yells into his microphone and Niall's ear. "Thank you for welcoming Zayn!"

The camera turns to Zayn again who waves a little embarrassedly and the crowd goes absolutely nuts. Niall feels with them. They don't get Zayn on stage with them which Niall thinks is good as to not give anyone false hope – it might send the wrong signals, even now.

They manage to finish the show almost as usual, except for how hysterical the crowd is and how Niall feels like he's about to burst out of his skin. Not that he's telling anyone about that.

Zayn is waiting for them backstage and Niall is suddenly embarrassed, glad to have the others with him as some sort of buffer. Out there, the surprise and happiness to see him had been enough to forget all the other stuff that stood between them, but it comes back the moment Niall leaves stage and the adrenaline rush stops.

Maybe it's a bit stupid, they've talked almost everything through, but now that he's here Niall can't forget that he hasn't told Zayn the most important thing. How is he gonna talk to Zayn when he knows with every fibre of his being that he's in love with him, but Zayn doesn't know?

Niall almost feels bad for how glad he is there's quite a bit of awkwardness all around – Zayn hasn't really kept in touch with anyone, and it's obvious no one knows for sure how to react. And while Niall obviously feels sorry for Zayn, he's relieved that it hides his own insecurity.

As it is now, he's the one Zayn clearly feels the most comfortable around, and that definitely feels nice. He lets Zayn stay close to him all night, helps steering conversations away from awkward topics and keeps them as casual as possible. If Zayn wants to have deep talks with anyone, tonight isn't the night for that.

Not that Niall has any idea what this night is for, they're not really celebrating but it does feel like a chill party of sorts, everyone staying back instead of going to the hotel, having drinks and talking. Even though he's with Zayn all night, they don't get to actually talk much, at least not without talking to someone else too. It's not the worst thing in Niall's opinion, he hasn't had time to prepare for this and feels like he should find a few safe topics first. Just in case his mouth makes another rushed decision for him – it's happened often enough he's almost famous for his badly thought out decisions.

When they finally head back to the hotel, Zayn grabs his wrist before Niall can hide in his room.

"Ni", he says quietly and Niall's heart thuds harshly. He's hyperaware of Zayn's fingers pressing gently into the soft skin on his wrist.

"Yeah?" he asks and looks up carefully, hoping he doesn't look and sound as hopeful as he feels.

"I'm flying back to London tomorrow evening", Zayn explains. "Would you...do you want to hang out with me before I leave? We could, like, watch a film. Or, dunno", he adds with a sceptical grimace that Niall finds terribly cute, "try to go out for some food."

Niall laughs a little. "Sure, why not? I know my way around Dublin a bit, I think I know somewhere we could go without being mobbed. Film sounds good, too."

"Yay", Zayn cheers quietly, his fingers tightening around Niall's wrist momentarily before he lets go. "I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

"Yeah, Zayn", Niall smiles. "Goodnight."

"Sleep well", Zayn says and then walks down the hall to where he's apparently booked a room.

Once Niall's in his own room, he drops onto the bed heavily, fully dressed, and sighs deeply. He couldn't be happier about Zayn showing up here in Dublin, but it just...doesn't help.

The problem is that Niall has been in love with Zayn for so long it's just the way it is, he's accepted it as status quo. He knows that's ridiculous, knows he should've tried harder to get over it, shouldn't have kept nursing those feelings over the years. But there's always been _something_ there between them, something in the way Zayn touches him, looks at him, that's made Niall hope - he's not really sure what for. Maybe that it's just a question of the right time and place.

And now this – Zayn coming to their Dublin show, coming for Niall, as a surprise for him – it's like paper for the little spark of hope in Niall's chest, the spark that had gotten bigger again after Zayn called him on the radio, that's suddenly burning bright again.

There's still the fear that he's making it all up, though, that his own feelings are clouding his judgement and he sees things that aren't there. However, Louis sometimes says he sees it too, that Zayn treats Niall differently from the rest of them, and so the spark has remained, right there in Niall's chest, for years.

-

Zayn texts him in the morning and Niall tells him to come up, then goes to take a quick shower. It's mostly so he feels more awake – it's awfully early for Zayn too – because he's had a proper shower before bed already, so it doesn't take him very long.

Still, there's a knock on his door way too quickly, when he's still just in his boxers, going through his suitcase to find something to wear. For a moment, he hesitates but then decides to open the door anyway – it's just Zayn after all.

"Up so early?" he asks, opening his door. "I wasn't expecting you so quickly."

Zayn grins, raising his eyebrows and looking Niall up and down very obviously. "I can see that. Good morning."

Niall laughs and opens the door further to let him in. "Morning."

Zayn sits down on the bed while Niall gets dressed, trying to check if Zayn reacts to his state of undress somehow, but he seems completely normal. Niall supposes that isn't a surprise since it's hardly the first time Zayn has seen him wear very little clothing, so he tries not to be disappointed.

"So what do you wanna do?" Zayn asks.

Niall shrugs. "We could order breakfast and watch a film?" he suggests.

"Sounds like my kind of morning", Zayn grins and reaches for Niall's laptop, probably to pull up Netflix. Only panicking a little, Niall tries to remember if he left anything embarrassing open but Zayn doesn't seem shocked or amused or anything but set on picking a movie to watch.

“So tell me”, Niall says, sitting down on his bed as well. “Who planned your visit last night? I could tell the boys were up to something so I know they were all involved.”

Zayn chuckles. “Yeah, well, I had the idea and I told Louis about it who was more into it than I would’ve expected actually, considering we haven’t really gotten back to where we were, you know? But he was all for it, and thought it should be a surprise for you but not the others, so we told them as well and the rest wasn’t difficult. Booked a flight, came to the arena and hid from you.”

Niall knows why Louis liked Zayn’s idea so much but keeps it to himself. “Well, it was definitely a surprise.”

“A good one, I hope?”

“Of course”, Niall assures Zayn. “I’m really glad you’re here.”

Zayn smiles. “Me, too.”

They have breakfast in bed and put on a film, sitting close enough for their shoulders to constantly brush. It’s equally comforting and distracting for Niall, and his feelings still confuse him to no end. He still enjoys the contact more than he probably should, leaning back and keeping more still than usual just so he can feel the constant pressure of Zayn’s shoulder against his.

Maybe Niall’s a bit creepy.

-

When they head out for lunch later, they’re both trying to keep a low profile and not cause any attention, looking around nervously all the time. When their eyes meet during one of these security checks, they both burst out laughing involuntarily.

“Quite paranoid, aren’t we?” Niall laughs.

Zayn grins. “The life of a popstar.” He reaches for Niall’s arm and tugs him along. “Come on, let’s get off the street.”

Niall smiles and follows him, wondering about how comfortable he feels around Zayn, always has. He’s almost forgotten it, and it’s a good feeling to remember.

Even though Niall has picked a pub where he thinks they won’t be spotted, or at least not by anyone who’ll share it with the world, they don’t stay long. No matter where they go, there could always be someone there taking a picture, and someone else would share it and suddenly they’d be mobbed, and neither of them feels particularly like meeting fans while they’re out together. On one side that is obviously because it’d raise too many questions and excitement which would surely cause more and more people showing up – but also, Niall really doesn’t want to share Zayn, now that he’s just gotten him back. Not even with the other boys.

None of them have tried contacting him yet, so Niall assumes Louis and Harry have figured it out since they know about his feelings, and they’ve probably made sure Liam doesn’t bother them either.

They’re not calling and neither does Zayn, seemingly content with having just Niall around – Niall pointedly ignores the implications, they’re probably not true anyway – so he has Zayn for himself, right until he has to head to the arena and Zayn has to catch his flight.

It’s the best day Niall’s had in months.


	5. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im still having trouble finding time to write (and to be honest, i also lost motivation for a couple of days after zayn didn't tweet niall....) but here's a super short chapter to get you through the wait for the last chapter which will be up very soon!! im almost done with it :)

It's not that different back in London. Niall and the other boys still have some work to do, interviews and a bit of promo for _Made in the A.M_., but it already feels a bit like their break is coming.  It gets a bit more busy around the release of _Made in the A.M._ in early and mid-November, when they have an album release party and a couple more interviews on TV, the radio and with magazines, but whenever Zayn isn't in LA – where he spends a lot of time these days, working on his album and networking, Niall assumes – they actually get to hang out. And it's the same it was in Dublin, and during all the years before: uncomplicated, familiar, comfortable. 

They meet up either at Zayn's flat that he's bought in London or at Niall's house, never anywhere in public. They're not really hiding, but there's no denying that them showing up somewhere together would cause hysteria and without having to talk about it, they agree it's better to just stay behind closed doors. 

Niall likes it better this way anyway, if he's honest, likes seeing Zayn dressed down and with floppy hair, all soft and warm and cuddly – which he is. Zayn's always been quite touchy and Niall enjoys being the sole recipient immensely, he loves the way Zayn will cuddle close when they watch a movie or hook his chin over Niall's shoulder to watch him prepare dinner for them. It's not good - or rather too good - for the spark of hope in his chest that has somehow turned into a proper flame now. Niall feels as if they're on the brink of _something_ here, after all he's still the only one Zayn really hangs out with and as far as he knows, neither him nor Zayn have been seeing anyone else in weeks – or months, in his case. 

Still, he's nowhere near sure enough to make a move or anything, their friendship still sometimes feels fragile, especially whenever they get to the topic of One Direction or Zayn leaving. And even if there wasn't so much standing between them, Niall doesn't want to risk their friendship for this, no matter how he feels for Zayn. So he accepts the cuddles and keeps his thoughts to himself. 

Zayn and Niall rarely fight, and if they do, it's mostly a few snippy remarks and some pouting before they forgive each other. One time, they shout at each other for a few minutes in Niall's kitchen, after Zayn has told Niall he's flying out to LA again. 

"You're always there!" Niall accuses him. "All you care about is your new solo career and your new friends, your new house, your new _life_!" 

"What do you want me to do, Niall?" Zayn asks, throwing his hands up in frustration. "I'm working on my album and I want it to be the best it can be. I have to be there to do that, I can't just sit here and do nothing!" 

"And it had to be LA? Are you too good for England now? Can't you make 'real music' over here?" 

"Will you ever stop attacking me for that?! I told you I didn't mean it as an insult! But this is _my_ music, _my_ album, _my_ words. And LA is the most promising platform, what is your problem?" 

Niall stares at him angrily, doesn't really understand what it is that makes him react this way, but his chest is heaving and he's pretty sure his face is flushed red. "Why don't you just move over there completely then, you're never here anyway!" 

It's like someone pulled a plug, suddenly it's quiet and they both just look at each other. Niall feels sad instead of angry and Zayn's face looks as if he does, too.  

"Is that why you're mad?" Zayn asks quietly, still on the other side of the kitchen but looking incredibly more approachable than a few seconds before. "Don't you want me to go?" 

Niall sighs, wipes a hand across his face and then tugs on his hair a little awkwardly. "I guess...I guess I just don't want you to forget me over here. Us. Whatever." 

Zayn smiles a very small smile and takes a few steps until he's right in front of Niall. "Ni", he says. "I promise, I'm not gonna do that. I made the mistake of leaving you behind once and I am never gonna do it again. You're stuck with me, like it or not." 

"Yeah?" Niall whispers and can't look up into Zayn's eyes, afraid of what he'll see there.  

"Promise", Zayn repeats and then he's suddenly pulled Niall close, one arm around his shoulders, the other hand placed at the back of his neck, holding him tightly. For a second, Niall stills but then he wraps his arms around Zayn's middle and holds on, tucks his face into the crook of his neck and smiles. 

Neither of them moves for a few minutes and Niall's heart starts racing, his mind spinning. Is this it? They're the same size, if he lifts his head –

"Oh." Willie's voice startles Niall enough to abruptly let go of Zayn and take a step back, looking at his cousin in the doorway to the kitchen. "Um, sorry, I didn't want to interrupt –" 

"Don't be stupid, Willie", Niall laughs, and it sounds forced to his own ears. "What would you be interrupting?" 

Zayn clears his throat a little uncomfortably and waves at Willie. "Hey, Willie." 

"Hey, Zayn", Willie says back. "Alright?" 

"All good", Zayn says. "I'm flying to LA again tomorrow." Maybe it sounds like an explanation. 

"Oh", Willie makes and his eyebrows furrow a little as his eyes flick over to Niall for a second. "Cool. Working on the album, still?" 

Niall mumbles something and excuses himself to the bathroom, trying to find some air to breathe. He has no idea what just happened between him and Zayn and he locks himself into the bathroom, leaning heavily against the sink. 

He thought about kissing Zayn. Niall lifts one hand and touches his lips lightly, closing his eyes. He thought about it, wanted to – still does. But what about Zayn? Niall is sure that he must've felt it too, this electricity between them, but then he feels foolish for even thinking about something like that. _Electricity_ , is he a teenage girl with a crush? 

With a sigh, Niall leans forward and splashes his face with cold water. Zayn is flying to another continent tomorrow, this would've been bad timing either way. Maybe when he gets back. Maybe he'll do something about it then. 

For now though, Niall goes back to the kitchen and sits down with Zayn and Willie, who thankfully stays and diffuses some of the tension. They have a beer and then relocate to the lounge, mostly because the sofa is more comfortable than the kitchen chairs.

When Niall gets up to make them some dinner, Zayn insists on coming with. Willie grins and waves them off. "You two go play house, I'll just stay here."

Niall whacks him over the head for that. Lovingly, of course.

It hits close to home, is all. Niall loves cooking with Zayn there, not because he's such a great help - which he really, really isn't – but because it does feel so domestic, like something they do every night before they take the dog out and retreat to their bed. Or...something like that.

All Zayn does in the kitchen is stand in Niall's way and occasionally plaster himself to his back in order to look what he's doing, and there's nothing Niall would rather have. Zayn seems to have forgotten the earlier tension between them – whether it is the fight or the things Niall felt afterwards, even though he might've made those up – because he acts the same way as always.

"What're you doing?" he asks from where he's got his chin hooked over Niall's shoulder from behind, arms around his waist.

Niall laughs lightly. "I'm literally just chopping these carrots, Zayn. Not exactly rocket science."

"Maybe", Zayn says. "I like watching you cook. It's...grounding."

Niall keeps chopping. "How so?"

"Dunno, it feels normal." He hesitates but doesn't move away from Niall. "And like I've got a place to come back to."

The knife stills as Niall tries to figure out what to say. "I'm glad you feel that way, because you do. Have a place to come back to, that is. I'm happy to have you here anytime."

"See", Zayn says and Niall can hear the smile in his voice even if he can't see his face. Zayn is warm against his back and it's driving Niall a little crazy. "You make this feel like home."


	6. chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS IT. i've finally finished this after i've struggled to find an ending for ages and i really hope you like it :) this chapter is almost 10k long, take is a my apology for making you wait so long.  
> i remember this was only supposed to be two chapters long, i am clearly the worst at estimating the length of my fics...thank you for the lovely messages/comments i've gotten about this one, it means more than i can say. x

"You're back!" Niall says when he opens the door only an hour after Zayn texted him he's back in London.

Zayn looks tired but his smile lights up his whole face when he looks up. "Hi."

Niall pulls him inside by the wrist before he can shiver from the chilly November air, noticing the bag in Zayn's hand. Brows furrowed, he closes the door and turns to Zayn. "Did you come here straight from the airport?"

Zayn suddenly looks very sheepish and a little bit pink high on his cheeks. "Um...yeah? Is that okay?"

Niall grins and takes a step forward to pull Zayn into a hug. "'Course it is! I'm happy you're here."

Zayn's nose is cold where he presses it against Niall's neck, but Niall only holds him tighter. "D'you want a cuppa?" he mumbles.

Zayn hums and nods, not even lifting his head. "It's so bloody cold here."

Niall rubs up and down his back a couple of times, chuckling. "Don't worry, we'll get you warm again in no time."

He makes them dinner while Zayn sits on the counter, a hot cup of tea between his hands, tiredly telling him about some of the things he's been up to or nodding along when Niall tells him about the people he's seen and things he's done. Sometimes, Zayn comes up to Niall for a cuddle and calls him his personal radiator, and Niall feels light and happy.

Zayn falls asleep on Niall's sofa not even ten minutes into the movie they've put on after dinner, head leaning heavily against Niall's shoulder. He looks peaceful and he’s warm pressed against Niall’s side, so Niall waits out the whole movie, trying to move as little as possible and effectively not taking in anything of what’s happening onscreen.

Zayn being here, coming to Niall’s house straight from the airport instead of to his own flat, is strange and wonderful and possibly meaningful and it’s exactly what Niall needs to convince himself. He’s gonna tell Zayn how he feels, as soon as possible. Today, on top of the day before Zayn left and the hundreds of texts they’ve sent each other while they were apart have given Niall the courage to finally _do_ something. Zayn’s texted him _i miss u_ without fail every day, that’s gotta mean something, right?

The only question remaining is when to do it. If he wakes Zayn up he'll be grumpy, that's for sure. Waking up Zayn was always their least favourite job on tour. If Zayn wakes up and leaves, Niall might lose the courage if he has to call him up and schedule a date for confessing. That seems like a bit too much.

So it'd probably be better to let Zayn sleep here and talk to him in the morning, even if he's unsure how to manage. If he gets up off the sofa, Zayn might wake up. Does he invite him to his bed then or would that be too forward? They've shared beds plenty of times, but under the circumstances...

They can't both sleep on the sofa though, that's for sure. Niall can't really feel his left arm anymore and there's a crick in his neck, not even Zayn can make him prefer this to his bed.

In the end it's Zayn making the decision. When Niall gets up slowly and carefully, he just breathes out deeply and slides sideways until he can curl around the cushions. Niall smiles fondly and fetches a blanket to tuck Zayn in nice and warm. He drops a kiss to his forehead, smooth and unwrinkled in his sleep, and goes to bed.

When he wakes up, Niall wonders a little how he was able to fall asleep so easily, considering the nerves that hit him like a brick as soon as he wakes up. He's too fidgety to stay in bed so he gets up and takes a very thorough shower, brushes his teeth for five minutes – all things he usually waits with until after breakfast, but you never know. If everything goes according to plan, it might come in handy.

The thought makes Niall's stomach feel as if it's on a rollercoaster ride and he tries to take deep breaths. Making breakfast would probably be a good start, right?

He tiptoes past Zayn's sleeping form towards the kitchen and gets started as quietly as possible. He settles on making omelette and pancakes, more fancy than his usual cereal and a little variation but not over the top.

While he whisks the dough, Niall hears shuffling in the lounge and assumes Zayn has woken up. Not much later, the water starts running and Niall smiles, happy that Zayn feels enough at home to be taking a shower without asking first.

The smile drops when he realises this means Zayn is about to come in here. He can't just drop the bomb like this, but Niall hasn't really thought about what to do before he comes clean. How can he make casual conversation when he feels ready to burst?

With shaking hands, Niall puts the last pancake on a plate with the rest of them and stores them in the oven to keep them warm. He uses the time left to put the dirty dishes into the sink and take deep, calming breath – even though his heart refuses to slow down to a normal pace. He's just gonna have to deal with that.

When Zayn shows up in the doorway, all of Niall's blood seems to rush to his heart to get it pumping even faster and he feels lightheaded for a moment. Zayn's relatively short hair is damp and soft, his eyes still a little droopy, but he's wearing different clothes than last night – of course, Niall remembers, he came with his bag.

"Morning", he manages to say with what he hopes is an easy grin.

"Good morning", Zayn smiles and comes closer. He smells like toothpaste and Niall's shampoo and Niall's whole body thrums with how much he wants to wrap himself around Zayn's morning warm body.

Zayn sniffs and looks at Niall's oven, then at Niall himself. "Breakfast? You're the best." And then he leans in and kisses Niall.

It's just a soft touch, so quick that Niall doesn't have the time to react before Zayn pulls back as if he's been stung by a bee. Niall stares at him wide-eyed, tries to say something, _anything_ , and Zayn stares back, mortified.

Niall fights to get words past his tingling lips and what comes out is a disbelieving: "Did you just kiss me?"

"I'm so sorry", Zayn splutters and looks as if he's about to bolt. "This isn't how I planned this, I don't want to make you uncomfortable-"

Before he can actually run, Niall grabs his wrist with one hand, covering Zayn's mouth with the other. "Shut up", he says, and looks right into Zayn's surprised eyes. "You planned this?"

"Hmpf", Zayn makes and nods, still looking embarrassed.

"You planned to kiss me?" Niall repeats for clarification, his voice barely louder than a breath. His hand tightens around Zayn's wrist and he belatedly drops the one covering Zayn's mouth.

„Been thinking about it for ages, like”, Zayn admits and there's a hopeful tint to his voice.

“Me too”, Niall breathes and the flutter in his stomach has got to be unhealthy.

Zayn laughs quietly, happily. “Good. A lot of the stuff I've done would've been kind of strange if you hadn't.”

“You never made me uncomfortable”, Niall assures him and then lowers his voice and eyes. “Ages, Zayn. Ages.” He's not sure if he wants Zayn to know how long exactly he's been wanting to kiss him.

Zayn hums and then he carefully places his hand on Niall’s cheek, as if he's asking for permission, tilting his face back up. “Is it alright if we try that again, then?”

Niall grins and shuffles closer, grabs a fistful of fabric in the back of Zayn’s shirt and pulls him closer. “Absolutely.”

This time is much better, the intent behind it means they're both ready for it and Niall sighs into the kiss, pulls Zayn so close there's no space left between a them and Zayn laughs quietly against his lips. He tastes like Niall’s toothpaste and something about it makes Niall’s heart thud harshly against his ribs and his fingers tighten in Zayn's shirt.

Zayn pushes Niall back against the counter and kisses him harder, one hand moving into the longish hair at the back of Niall's head, pulling just hard enough to make Niall groan. Zayn makes a sound too, a whine almost, and Niall slides one hand under his shirt and up his back, scratching lightly.

Zayn’s moan reverberates through the kitchen when Niall pulls away to kiss at his neck instead and Niall shivers involuntary. _He's_ the cause for that sound and he never wants to hear anything else ever again.

When Zayn reattaches their mouths, he slides one leg between Niall's and pushes forward once, causing Niall to gasp and tighten his hand on the side of Zayn's neck.

“Fuck”, he hisses and pulls back a little to take a breath. “What are you doing to me, Malik?”

Zayn kisses his cheek and then all the way back to his ear. “I just wanna make you smile, is that okay?”

The sound Niall makes comes from the back of his throat and sounds a little bit like a sob, but he'll deny that forever. Instead of replying, he gets on snogging the living daylight out of Zayn.

Zayn responds enthusiastically and only grips him tighter so Niall assumes it's not too bad he doesn't feel ready to proclaim his love just yet. They have a few things to talk about before he takes that step.

He doesn't think about it for very long though, Zayn’s pretty distracting and Niall focuses only on his hands on his body and his lips against his own.

Until his stomach gives a growl that's loud enough to get through to them through their kiss induced haze. Zayn pulls away to let out a breathless laugh. “Hungry?”

Niall sighs but can't help grinning as well. “Maybe we should have breakfast first.”

"Well, you've already made it", Zayn shrugs and swoops in for another quick kiss. When he pulls away, Niall reaches out before he can take a step back, placing both of his hands on Zayn's cheeks.

"Hmm?" Zayn hums enquiringly, and Niall smiles, but it feels a little wobbly.

"It's just..." Niall hesitates. "You know, I was gonna tell you today, but I was sort of preparing myself for you running out if I did. So this feels, like, bloody unreal."

Zayn lifts his hand and places it on top of Niall's on his cheek, turns his head just enough to kiss his wrist before he wraps his other arm low around Niall's back and pulls him even closer again. "When I kissed you earlier, it happened by accident because I'd been imagining it so much. Like, I slept here and took a shower and you'd made breakfast so it was like...like this life I'd imagined for us and I guess that's why it happened."

"Well for the record", Niall says and leans in to kiss Zayn before continuing. "I'm very glad you were apparently still sleepy enough to forget we weren't at that stage already."

Zayn hums and kisses Niall again, mumbles against his lips: "Me, too." When he pulls away eventually, he grins a little sheepishly. "I just can't stop kissing you."

Niall laughs. "I don't really want you to, so it's fine. Keep going."

Zayn does, but too quickly, he pulls back again. "Wait. Breakfast. You're hungry."

Niall groans. "Damn you, stomach."

Breakfast ends up being really nice though, even though Niall is pretty sure he'd roll his eyes at them if he wasn't involved. Their feet are interlocked underneath the table, have been since they stopped playing footsie after a few minutes, and they keep smiling at each other dopily whenever they're not talking. Sometimes they even hold hands across Niall's small kitchen table and it'd be nauseating if Niall wasn't so damn _happy_.

They clean up after breakfast because Zayn knows Niall well enough to know he won't be able to relax with the dirty dishes standing around still, and then move to the lounge where they sit down on opposite ends of the sofa, legs entangled.

"So, like", Zayn starts, "not to bring down the mood or whatever, but there's a couple of things we should talk about."

Niall nods and reaches out to wrap his fingers around Zayn's ankle, rubbing circles into the skin there. Zayn sighs contently and closes his eyes for a moment. "I feel like we're on the same page here", Niall says quietly, "but just to make sure. This is...serious?"

Zayn opens his eyes again to look at Niall. "I've never had a boyfriend before, like", he says. "But I'd like you to be the first one. The only one. So yeah, serious."

Niall's heart jumps and he squeezes Zayn's ankle. "I'd love to be your boyfriend, too."

Zayn smiles but goes serious again quickly. "Just...you've been with guys before, right? I didn't just, like, imagine things?"

Niall blushes. "Yeah. I thought I was being subtle, but I've had, like, flings. Not really relationships, but...you know." His ears are burning but Zayn just nods seriously.

"I figured. Sometimes I saw you interacting with them and it like...there was _something_ there and – I guess it's what got me thinking in the first place."

Niall frowns. "Thinking about what?"

It's Zayn's turn to look embarrassed. "About what I felt for you. For years I was sure I was only so protective of you because you were like, my little brother but then, when I realised what was happening between you and these guys, I had to admit eventually that I wasn't worried or protective or whatever. I was jealous."

Niall's mouth is dry and he swallows. "When was that?"

Zayn slides closer and moves them around until they're sat much closer, Niall's legs across Zayn's. Niall lets him. "I'm not really sure when it started, to be honest, or how long I'd been denying it to myself, but I really realised and...sort of accepted it in February this year. I saw you and your big friend – Adam?" Niall nods, "only once but it was like, so obvious, and this feeling I got...I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you all night and in the morning it was pretty clear to me what was happening. But I already knew I was gonna leave rather sooner than later at that time and I convinced myself it would be better not to do anything. Because of the timing and also because I didn't want to come between you and Adam." He pauses and looks up from where he's been nervously massaging around Niall knee, but Niall doesn't say anything. He's not sure how to react. "Are you mad?"

"No", Niall shakes his head. "I don't really know what to feel, but I'm not mad. I just...there's still a lot I don't understand."

"I get that", Zayn says. "And I guess at least some of it is about Perrie? I'm not sure what to tell you about her, but I've strung her along for way too long. It was time I let her go."

"Did she feel about it that way too?" Niall asks. He's not trying to be an arse, but he remembers how bad he felt for her when the news got out.

Zayn picks on a thread on Niall's jeans and does a funny nod/headshake/shrug movement. "Not exactly, but I'm sure she's realised it by now."

Niall sighs and leans back against the sofa. "Is it weird that I feel bad for her? I never wanted to see you with her but I can imagine what she must've felt."

Zayn looks up quickly and then concentrates on the thread again. "How long has it been?"

Niall doesn't have to ask what he means. "Always. It's always been you."

They look at each other in silence for a moment and then Niall reaches out, carding his fingers through Zayn's hair. Zayn follows the pressure of his hand until he's resting against Niall, head on his shoulder and one hand on his chest. He sighs deeply and then presses a series of butterfly kisses to Niall's neck and jaw. "You can ask me anything, you know? Whatever you wanna know, I'll tell you."

"Mhm", Niall makes and starts scratching at the back of Zayn's neck. "Would you mind if we took a break from talking though? I really want to kiss you."

Zayn doesn't hesitate a second to roll over so he's on top of Niall and connect their lips. It's slow and soft to start with, but their position and the newness of it all doesn't really help to keep it that way. Soon, they're snogging deeply and Zayn has taken up a slow grind that Niall responds to eagerly, one hand on Zayn's butt and lifting his hips up to increase the pressure.

"I like how your stubble feels", Zayn slurs against Niall's jaw and Niall remembers with a hot spark of arousal that this is probably the first time Zayn's made out with a guy. Zayn's hand slides down from Niall's chest, along his side to the underside of Niall's thigh. He squeezes lightly and Niall bucks up almost involuntary, letting out a shuddery moan when Zayn bites at his jaw.

Suddenly, Zayn eases a hand between their bodies and then his thumb strokes along the outline of Niall's hardening cock, making him hiss. "I like how this feels, too."

"Oh my god", Niall groans. "You drive me crazy."

Zayn squeezes but swallows Niall's moan when he kisses him deeply, licking into his mouth. Niall slides both of his hands under Zayn's shirt, feeling his hot skin and lets the fingers of one hand slip underneath Zayn's waistband cheekily, chuckling when Zayn bites his lower lip in response.

There's the sound of the front door opening and Zayn sits up more quickly than Niall can react. When he opens his eyes, Zayn is kneeling on the sofa between his legs, and that's truly a sight. His hair is messy, his lips puffy red – and there's an impressive bulge in his sweatpants.

Niall himself is almost painfully hard in his jeans and when he looks back up, Zayn is blushing, having noticed Niall's stare. And even though Niall can hear Willie coming closer, he can't resist teasing him a little bit. Slowly, he flicks his eyes downwards again and back up, licking his lips. He watches as Zayn bites his lip to keep quiet, closing his eyes with a pained expression.

He squeezes Zayn's hand once and then retracts his legs from around him, trying to sit in a way that covers up the current situation, grinning as Zayn places a cushion on his lap – how very subtle.

"Oh, hey lads", Willie says when he walks in, spotting them on the sofa. Niall sees his eyes flicker between them, but he doesn't react to their dishevelled looks. "Welcome back, Zayn."

"Thanks, Willie", Zayn smiles, but it doesn't look as genuine as it usually might.

"I'm just gonna take a shower and then I'll be out of your hair again", Willie announces, pointing towards the bathroom over his shoulder. He turns away but just as he's about to leave the room, he calls over his shoulder: "Don't get up to anything on a sofa I still want to sit on!"

Niall laughs while Zayn stares after Willie, corners of his mouth twitching. "I was just about to ask you if he seriously hasn't noticed."

"Nah", Niall shrugs. "Willie knows everything about me, so this probably wasn't too surprising for him. He actually knew I wanted to tell you once you were back, so he maybe even expected you to be here. He's been telling me my feelings weren't one-sided for a while now."

Zayn smiles and reaches out for Niall, trying to smooth down his hair. "He was right, then."

Niall smiles back and decides he's gone soft enough again to risk straddling Zayn, so he does. Zayn looks pleased and wraps his arms around Niall's middle, lifting his face up so Niall can drop a kiss to his lips. "So, Willie knows", Niall says. "Who else are we gonna tell?"

“I'll have to tell my mum”, Zayn says. “She knows about the whole thing and she's definitely gonna ask me anyway.”

“Fine”, Niall agrees. “Might tell my mum soon, too. And da. What about the boys?”

Zayn pouts thoughtfully and they get distracted again when Niall just _has_ to kiss the pout.

“So, the boys”, Zayn eventually reminds Niall. “When are you gonna see them again?” 

“Um”, Niall makes. “Today, actually. We're on the X Factor again tomorrow and today's the last rehearsal.” 

“I don’t want to come between you guys again”, Zayn says. “I guess I could just come with you? If that would be alright with you?” 

"'Course, Zayn", Niall says and softly strokes along Zayn's cheekbone with his thumb. "They still care about you, you know? Not in the same way I do but just as much." 

"Yeah", Zayn mutters. "I care about them, too. But it's hard to own up to your own mistakes and I didn't manage quite as well with them as I did with you. Dunno, I still feel awkward and I have trouble, like, contacting them." 

"You should come with me today", Niall repeats Zayn's suggestion. "It'll be easier if we tell them together anyway. Even if Louis and Harry might not be all that surprised. Maybe Liam either." 

"You told them?" Zayn asks. 

"I told Louis way back when it all first started", Niall explains, "and then I accidentally told Harry when I was drunk on my birthday this year." 

"When you texted me?" 

"He actually made me text you", Niall laughs, "Or at least gave me more to drink so I'd have the courage." 

"I'll have to thank him, then", Zayn laughs. "So...X Factor, huh? You gonna be alright?" 

Niall thinks about the times Zayn rubbed his back in a toilet while he tried not to puke from nerves before TV appearances and grimaces. "Hopefully." 

"Well...", Zayn hesitates. "I could come with? If you wanted someone to maybe distract you a bit? If that's not too much?" 

He looks so adorably unsure and Niall ducks down to kiss his cheek softly. "I'd like that. And of course it's not too much, Zayn. Boyfriends do stuff together." 

Zayn's face lights up like a Christmas tree and his hands slide down Niall's thighs until he reaches his knees and tugs him in even closer so their chests are touching. "Boyfriends", he repeats with a smile. "I really like the sound of that." 

Niall places his hands on the sides of Zayn's neck and kisses his cheek again, his nose and finally his lips. "Me, too." 

"Oi!" Zayn and Niall startle apart at the exclamation. Willie's standing there, arms crossed and one eyebrow raised, trying to hide his amused grin. "What did I just say? Not on the sofa." 

"We're not doing anything", Niall claims, even though he was most definitely getting hard again just now and so was Zayn from what he can tell. Just from ten minutes of snogging; he feels like a horny teenager again. Zayn slowly takes his hands of Niall's butt and Niall bites his lip to avoid laughing. 

"Yeah, yeah", Willie makes and he, too, is barely containing his laughter. "At least wait until I'm gone." He walks past them and pats the sofa near Zayn's head. "Just for the record though: I'm really happy you got your shit together. You", he points at Zayn, "take care of him." 

Zayn nods seriously. "I'll do my best. Think he takes care of me more, though." 

Willie's face goes very soft for a moment. "Take care of each other, then." He clears his throat and turns around. Zayn and Niall sit in silence until they hear the front door close. 

"You know", Zayn says slowly, "I'm really glad you have someone who cares for you this much." 

"I know", Niall agrees. "Willie's the best." He's ruined the sexy mood a little bit though, so Niall gets up off Zayn's lap and the sofa. "So, how about we make some lunch now so we can head out to rehearsal in time?" 

"Okay", Zayn says, getting up too. "What're we gonna make?" 

It turns out that making and having lunch as well as cleaning up afterwards takes twice as much time when you've got someone immensely kissable helping you, and they barely make it to rehearsals in time.  

They take Niall's car since Zayn still can't drive and they don't want to bother a driver, but when they get there, there's a whole bunch of fans waiting out front. "Oh, great", Niall says. "Prepare for the headlines about you rejoining the band." 

Zayn sighs. "More worried about the hopeful fans, to be honest." 

"Yeah", Niall says gloomily. "I hate disappointing them." 

They're silent while Niall manoeuvres  the car past the screaming fans, more and more of them realising who else is sat in the car.  

"Sorry", Niall says as soon as the gate has closed behind them and they're alone. 

"Not your fault", Zayn shrugs. "I guess it just makes me feel bad about leaving again." 

"You did what was best for you", Niall insists, reaching for Zayn's hand once he's parked the car. "You don't owe anyone anything." 

Zayn lifts their hands to his face and kisses Niall's knuckles. "Thank you." 

Niall smiles. "All good. Ready to go in?" 

"As ready as I'll ever be", Zayn grins crookedly.  

They head in through the backdoor and Niall hears Louis and Liam argue about one thing or the other from far away. It goes silent very quickly though when everyone notices who Niall brought along. 

"Surprise", he says weakly. 

Harry breaks the awkwardness when he stalks towards Zayn, wrapping his arms around him. "Hey, mate. You here to watch?" 

"Yeah", Zayn nods. "Asked Niall if I could accompany him." 

Louis looks over at Niall with raised eyebrows while Liam hugs Zayn long and hard, and Niall smiles bashfully. He's not sure how to say it, but he must be showing it somehow because Louis' eyes go even wider. 

He steps in when Liam lets go of Zayn, and even though they've been talking at least occasionally, the awkwardness is tangible. "Hey, Lou", Zayn says carefully and Louis gives him a stiff hug. 

"So", Louis starts, looking at Zayn expectantly once he's brought some distance between them again. "We gonna be seeing more of you now?" 

Zayn narrows his eyes suspiciously. "Maybe?" It sounds like a question and Niall closes his eyes briefly. Louis _knows_ , he's sure of that. 

"What about tomorrow? Are you gonna come cheer Niall on?" 

Niall blushes and sees Liam nudge Harry, whose eyes widen and flick towards Niall and back to Zayn. _Yay_. 

"As a matter of fact", Zayn deadpans. "We were just talking about that earlier." 

It's quiet for a few seconds and then Louis finally grins. "So does this mean you've finally opened your eyes?" 

Niall looks at Zayn who's already looking back and smiles. Zayn reaches for his hand. "Took me a while, didn't it?" He's not looking away from Niall and Niall feels almost dizzy with happiness, big smile stretching his lips. 

“Even though I feel slightly left out here“, Liam pipes up, “I'm very happy for you.” 

“You knew too?” Niall asks and finally tears his eyes away from Zayn's face.  

"Well", Liam says and shrugs, "I'm not blind. It's been a long time coming, hasn't it?"

Niall can feel himself blush. "Guess you were all more clever than us, then."

"Or me, more like", Zayn says. "Took me all this time to realise Niall wasn't exactly like my little brother."

"Oh my god", Louis says and Liam laughs.

"Did you really think that? Jesus, Zayn, oblivious doesn't even begin to describe it!"

"I know", Zayn agrees. "Denial, I guess? Took me a while to like...accept that girls weren't the only option for me."

Niall watches Zayn carefully. They haven't really talked about this yet, he doesn't know since when Zayn has suspected, who he's out to. It's not like Niall himself is out to that many people.

"And you", Liam turns to Niall as if he's read his thoughts. "You never told me anything either! I had my suspicions but...you could've told me, you know it doesn't change anything or whatever."

"I know", Niall says sheepishly. "I'm sorry."

Liam sighs, takes a step closer and pulls a surprised Niall in for a hug and a kiss on his cheek. "It's alright, it's your business after all. Thanks for telling us now, though."

The other two nod in agreement and it's – okay. Feels a bit like a cheesy movie scene to Niall, but he'll take it if it means there's no hard feelings anywhere.

They rehearse the song they're performing for the X Factor while Zayn sits and listens, and everything goes well and according to plan. Their vocal coach is happy with them so she lets them go in time, though she usually has no qualms about keeping them back for hours if necessary.

"So how's this gonna work?" Harry asks while they're heading towards the exit, Niall and Zayn holding hands which got them a smile and some teasing from the other boys. "Are you just gonna walk out there and be like "hey, we're dating now!"?"

Niall and Zayn exchange a quick glance. "Um", Niall makes.

"We haven't really talked about that yet", Zayn explains. "Kinda like to keep it quiet for now?"

"Don't drag your relationship out in the open too soon", Louis says, putting on his "wise" face. "Get used to each other first."

Niall laughs but Zayn nods seriously. "Thanks, Louis."

“Good luck”, Liam grins teasingly. “If you can’t stop touching each other and staring the way you did today, everyone’ll figure it out immediately.”

Niall punches his arm lightly, but he joins in in their laughter.

They let go of each other outside – to hug the boys goodbye and just in case someone's still there to take a photo. No one bothers them on their way home though, and Niall doesn't even ask Zayn if he wants to come along. They both know he prefers Niall's house to the big and mostly empty flat he got after he and Perrie broke up.

They spend their first evening as a couple the same way they did the night before – cooking dinner and watching a movie. They even watch just as little of the film as the night before, even though they're most definitely not asleep.

Niall lets Zayn sleep in his bed this night, but that's all they do – sleep. They don't really talk about it, but it's like they've come to the mutual conclusion they're just gonna cuddle tonight. Which is fine with Niall, the day has been long and kind of emotionally draining considering how much he's felt today. Being in bed with Zayn is comfortable, he likes being little spoon and just feels so natural pressed up against Niall's chest.

It's a great ending to a great day.

-

Niall wakes up to a hand on his chest and kisses along his jaw. He makes a sleepy sound and the lips on his skin stretch into a smile, wandering back to nibble on his earlobe.

"Morning", Zayn mumbles, and Niall makes another sound, trying to sound appreciative. He could get used to being woken up like this.

He curls a hand around Zayn's hip and pulls him in, tucking his face into his neck and sighing happily. "Why're you already awake?"

"Dunno", Zayn says and starts scratching Niall's scalp. Niall almost purrs. "Jetlag does the weirdest things to my sleep schedule."

Niall hums and they're quiet for a while, holding each other close.

"My mum sent me a link", Zayn says eventually.

"To what?"

Zayn rolls away to reach for his phone and Niall grumbles, opening his eyes again a little unwillingly. It's much colder as soon as Zayn isn't all pressed up to him. He's back soon though, one arm under Niall's head so Niall can still curl up to him. He's pulled something up on his phone and holds it so Niall can read what it is.

_Zayn Malik to rejoin One Direction for a performance on the X Factor_

"Oh no", Niall says. "Just what I feared."

"You should read a little bit more", Zayn says, laughing a little.

_He broke the hearts of millions pf girls around the world when he left boyband One Direction in March this year, but Zayn Malik is set to return to his roots - rejoining his former band for a performance on the X Factor this Saturday, the show that created them._

_"He has missed performing with them, and they feel like he owes them a proper goodbye, so that's what this is", a source close to the band reveals. "Closure for them and the fans."_

"Where do they come up with this shit?" Niall asks. "They don't really believe someone close to us would tell them this, do they?"

"I never know with these people," Zayn shrugs. "I should probably deny it though, right? The fans might still get their hopes up."

"Some at least", Niall agrees. "You should tweet something. And Zayn: don't be cryptic for once, yeah?"

Zayn presses a kiss to his temple. "Alright."

The responses when he tweets _Not performing with the boys tonight, don't believe everything you read_ and _just went to spend time with my friends_ are mixed. He gets lots of sad emojis and "I knew it", but just as many people seem to be absolutely ecstatic he's called the rest of them his friends.

"Ot5 is real!!" Niall reads and it makes him smile. A lot of the terminology is still a bit odd for him but he knows that ot5 usually refers to their friendship. He's seen a few disturbing things that implied otherwise, but those are the minority. Or maybe they're just kept more private, but that's alright with Niall too. They can do whatever they want to, the fans, as long as they know it's all fictional and don't harass anyone about it. The things he's seen tweeted about or to Harry and Louis or anyone the associate with still make him cringe sometimes.

Ziall is him and Zayn, he knows that, but he never sees that much about the two of them. There's more when they used to interact on twitter, but he's always gotten less stuff about Zayn than about Harry, for example. Which is weird, considering, but alas.

"Are they saying anything about us?" Niall asks. "Since we arrived together and stuff?"

"Seen a few tweets from fans", Zayn shrugs. "Not that much, though."

"We're very low key", Niall mumbles and rubs his hand up and down Zayn's side.

"Keep ourselves to ourselves, right?" Zayn teases and Niall laughs, turning so he can throw one leg across Zayn's hip.

"Well, I'm definitely planning to keep you to myself", he grins and Zayn grins back, shifting so their fronts are pressed close.

"I like the sound of that", he says and kisses Niall, morning breath be damned.

As if Niall could think about something as trivial as that with Zayn's lips on his and his hands wandering down to his butt.

Slowly, he rolls them over so he's on top, deepening the kiss. Zayn makes the loveliest sound deep in his throat and Niall squeezes one leg in between his, adding more heat to the kiss. When he starts sucking on the skin of Zayn's neck, Zayn moves his hand to his chest and pushes him off.

"Niall", he pants, "as much as I'm enjoying this, you can't leave any visible marks, not today. I'm coming down to the X Factor with you, remember? If someone sees and puts the pieces together..."

Niall sighs and flops down on the bed next to him. "Don't think they'd figure it out right away, we're just bros hanging out a lot", he says and thinks _heteronormativity_. It's not surprising he's been linked to every girl he's ever spent time with but not a single guy he's actually been with. "But you're right. How about breakfast, then?"

Zayn leans over him this time and kisses him slowly, deeply. "I'm not pushing you away", he says when he pulls back, looking at Niall with hooded eyes. "I want you so badly, but I want to take my time with you. I want to spend hours on kissing you, I don't want to have a deadline because you or me need to be somewhere. Alright?"

Niall stares at him, speechless. Zayn _wants_ him. He knew that, abstractly, could tell yesterday, but it's different getting to actually hear it. He tugs Zayn down for another kiss and wraps his arms around him as tightly as possible. "I just", he starts, _love you so much_. To keep the words from spilling out, he presses his lips to Zayn's once more. It's probably telling enough as it is.

-

When they arrive at the X Factor studio that afternoon, it's hush-hush and through a hidden entry so no one will see them. Niall feels a bit bad for it, surely the fans have been waiting for a long time, but the TV producers have asked them to keep a low profile, so they're trying to do just that.

It's always exciting to be back, to see everyone again, even if there's been a few changes lately. They know Grimmy though, and Olly and Caroline Flack. Zayn and Rita Ora are signed by the same label so they've apparently gotten closer since Zayn left the band, and Niall tries not to be jealous.

"Relax, Niall", Louis laughs in his ear when he catches Niall staring at the two of them again. "They're just talking."

"Very funny", Niall grumbles. Louis just keeps smirking and Niall watches in terror as he almost skips over to the pair and whispers something in Zayn's ear. Zayn's eyes widen and then narrow when they focus on Niall – who blushes for some unknown reason – before he turns back to Rita and says something that makes her laugh. She nods and Zayn turns away, quickly heading for Niall.

He doesn't even slow down when he reaches him, just grabs Niall's wrist and pulls him along. Niall stumbles a little but follows him down a corridor and into an empty room. "What are we doing?" Niall asks breathlessly.

"Showing you there's no need to be jealous", Zayn says and kisses him. Niall's knees actually buckle with the force of it and he clings to Zayn, heart hammering. Is this actually his life?

"Wait", Niall pants, tries to get enough space between their mouths to talk, "what the hell did Louis say?"

"He just told me my boyfriend was getting jealous", Zayn grins. "And hearing someone else refer to you as my boyfriend really made me want to kiss you breathless."

"Well, that's worked out for you", Niall laughs, still trying to catch his breath.

Zayn smirks and moves in to kiss him again. Niall’s heart is hammering against his ribs and there’s a constant chant of “boyfriend” in his head, in time with his heartbeat. He can’t believe it refers to him and Zayn. It’s not like that he lacks self-confidence, he’s got plenty of that by now, but he’s been in love with Zayn since pretty much the beginning and he’s spent so much time telling himself to give up hope that the past few days have felt unreal.

Everything is Zayn, all he feels sees smells hears wants is him, and Niall wants to lock them up in a room for days and spend all his time on getting to know every little thing about Zayn he doesn’t know yet, but –

“Wait”, he groans, putting a few inches between them reluctantly. “I have a stage to be on. I have to  get ready.”

Zayn nods and tries to smooth Niall’s hair done. “That you do. How’s your nerves?”

Niall always thinks it’s a little embarrassing how nervous TV appearances still make him to this day – it’s gotten better but it’s still far from the relaxed approach he’d like to have. “Alright”, he shrugs. “You’ve kept me pretty distracted so far but I’m pretty sure we won’t have another minute to ourselves until the after party.”

Zayn looks about as disappointed as Niall feels and pecks his lips softly a couple of times. “You’ll be alright”, he says. “You’ll smash it out there and I’ll be backstage waiting for you, okay?”

Niall smiles and nods and holds Zayn very tightly until he really has to go get his hair done.

-

“Ni. Babe?”

Niall wakes up with a quiet groan, squeezing his eyes shut tighter instead of opening them.

“Sorry to wake you”, Zayn keeps talking. “I think I’ve got something you should read, though.”

Slowly blinking one eye open, Niall spots his boyfriend smiling down at him, newspaper in hand. “Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

“This better be something good”, Niall grumbles, even though Zayn’s face in the morning is pretty good already. He’s just gotten back from LA the other day and Niall has missed him.

“Just read it”, Zayn insists and kisses his forehead quickly before handing him the paper.

Niall squints at the headline (“Niall Horan and Ellie Goulding – comeback of their love?”) and groans. “Seriously, Zayn? I go to one concert with my _friend_ and you give me this?”

“Keep going”, Zayn says. “You're not there yet.”

With a sigh, Niall sits up and starts reading. He skips over the meaningless bits about him and Ellie and how they might've dated and are possibly dating again and he knows exactly when he reaches the part Zayn was talking about, eyes widening.

_The only one Niall has been out with regularly though, is former band member Zayn Malik. Since Zayn left One Direction in March, him and the other boys, Harry Styles, Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson, haven't interacted in public. Niall and Zayn have been spotted out with each other increasingly often though, in England and LA, where Zayn recently bought a house, since Zayn called Niall on the radio in the middle of an interview he was giving. How cute!_

_We're curious about why they're the only ones hanging out but we're happy to see the split hasn't ended their friendship_.

There's a couple of pictures underneath the article, more of Niall and Zayn than of him with Ellie. Them in Niall’s car, out in LA and London, and the picture from the X Factor.

Niall grins when he remembers the meltdown all the “ziall” fans had over it when it first appeared on the internet. It's him and Zayn in the background of a selfie Grimmy posted of him and Harry, and it's innocent enough. Zayn's got an arm around Niall's shoulders and Niall's leaning in to say something in his ear. He knows _that_ wasn't innocent because he was more than ready to go home at that point, but it's not obvious from the picture. The fans had still freaked out so much it was still going when Niall and Zayn let go of each other for long enough to check their phones the next evening.

Niall smiles and follows the sounds he hears to the kitchen, finding Zayn by the coffeemaker. “Our first article”, he smiles and Zayn turns around, grinning.

“You were right about how they wouldn't get it, but it's still kind of cool.”

Niall crosses the space between them and kisses Zayn softly. “Feels very official.”

They're not hiding per se, they go out and tell more and more friends, but they still haven't started touching in public or just any sort of PDA. Neither of them feels like this is anyone's business but their own.

"I guess it's only a matter of time, now", Zayn says, carding his fingers through Niall's hair and keeping him close. "Until they figure it out. You okay with that?"

Niall nods. "Yeah. I don't mind everyone knowing eventually, and I'm pretty sure there's a whole lot of fans that have already figured it out anyway. The number of tweets I've gotten about the two of us has gone up a lot."

"I'm getting more and more fanart of us", Zayn agrees. "It used to be mainly me and sometimes one or more of you boys, but lately there's been a lot of us. Some of it clearly with a romantic background."

Niall kisses his shoulder and pulls away. "Most of it is really sweet."

Zayn waggles his eyebrows. "Most of it."

Niall laughs. "You've seen the naughty ones as well?"

"I creep quite regularly, Niall", Zayn tells him. "I've gone to pretty dark corners of our fandom."

"Sounds sinister", Niall grins. "Me too, though. Seen some disturbing things but some of what's being written or drawn about you and me..." He lets his hands slide down Zayn's side to settle firmly on his ass, moving to kiss his neck, "some of it was really hot, too."

Zayn laughs but it sounds a bit breathless and he shifts in Niall's arms so he can lean against the counter and give Niall better access to his neck. "I can't believe you. We haven't even had breakfast."

"You've already had time to get this terrible paper from somewhere", Niall mumbles, shoving one hand under Zayn's shirt. "You can't be that hungry."

Zayn sighs breathily and pushes his lips against Niall's. "Breakfast can wait."

-

"It's way too hot", Zayn groans and pushes his hair off his forehead.

Niall laughs and turns on his stomach, rolling closer to Zayn in the process. "Stop complaining, babe. We're on holiday."

He blinks up at Zayn against the sun, admiring how effortlessly cool he looks in his swimming trunks and sunglasses, toes buried in the sand. Zayn's face softens and he flops down on his towel, stretching to press his lips to Niall's shoulder for a moment. "Our first one together."

"Exactly", Niall nods with a smile that hasn't seemed to want to vanish since he and Zayn started dating. "We're in Hawaii, the weather is perfect and I am not gonna be sunburned tonight. We're making everyone back home in rainy April England very jealous with the weather and our happiness. No room for complaints anywhere."

"I _am_ very happy", Zayn agrees and slides closer despite the heat. "I needed this break."

"I know you did", Niall says and entwines their fingers, kissing Zayn's knuckles. "It's why I made you come along."

"Lucky me", Zayn mumbles. "I have the best boyfriend ever."

Niall kisses his hand again, the butterflies in his tummy just as wild as in the beginning. "Love you."

"I love you, too", Zayn says back and then he's suddenly tugging Niall close, kissing him in broad daylight on a Hawaiian beach.

Niall does not mind at all.

When they pull apart, he still casts a cursory glance to check for any cameras, and so does Zayn. They haven't really come out officially yet, but they're photographed together a lot and even the media is starting to catch on – which means there have been a few brave ones who've raised the question if they're really just friends. And on one occasion, they've been featured in a Buzzfeed quiz about "Which 1d ship are you?" ("Nouis, Lilo, Lirry and the rest of them - and yes, we know Zayn has left the band, but Ziall is just so real these days, we couldn't not put them in"). Still, checking for paps has become something like second nature to them when they're out together.

Zayn sighs and rolls back onto his back. "You should post something on instagram."

"Hm?" Niall makes, distracted by Zayn's hand scratching his scalp lightly.

"Nothing major, like. Just to let them know we're here together."

Niall turns his head and looks at Zayn with a grin. "You really wanna do this?"

Zayn shrugs, jostling Niall who only now realises that's someone gotten up close again. "Sure. I love you, I'm not going anywhere and I sort of want to tell the whole world all of the time anyway. We've been doing this on our own terms from the beginning, and I'd like to continue that."

Niall's not sure how he ended up straddling Zayn's waist and kissing him breathless, but he's thankful the beach is as empty as it is.

What ends up on his instagram is a shot of two legs, Zayn's left and Niall's right one, in front of the incredible sea panorama, captioned with "skinny leg beach day !"

Zayn tweets – cryptically as usual – not much later, saying nothing but "sun kissed".

Niall snorts when Willie texts him "very subtle" a few minutes after and puts his phone away, dragging a very reluctant Zayn down to the water with him. Zayn stops complaining when they're in deep enough for the water to reach their hips and instead clings to Niall happily.

"I can't swim, this is just my survival instinct kicking in", he claims, lips pressed to the back of Niall's neck.

"Uh-huh", Niall makes. "Sure." He's all too happy to give Zayn a piggyback ride through the waves though, until they reach a couple of rocks near the beach. They spend the afternoon climbing rocks and chasing each other around the beach and into the water like little kids, and when Niall kisses Zayn, he feels absolutely carefree.

- 

Hawaii feels like their own safe little haven, so it takes Niall two days to realise he hasn't checked his phone since their day at the beach. Neither has Zayn, as it turns out when Niall asks him in bed, nose pressed between his shoulder blades. 

"You've kept me too busy", Zayn says, entwining their fingers on his stomach. "I don't wanna check it now either." 

Niall sighs and kisses Zayn's shoulder. "Me neither. Should though, probably. At least to let our mums know we're still alive." 

"As usual, you're right", Zayn says and turns around in Niall's arms so he can kiss him. "Don't wanna get out of bed, though." 

"We've barely left it for two days", Niall laughs but doesn't make a move to let go of Zayn either. 

"Some might say we're wasting our time on this beautiful island." 

"We've done plenty of exploring!" Niall protests. "Besides, you need these relaxed days after all the album promo stress." 

Zayn snorts. "That's sweet, babe, but I wouldn't call the past few days "relaxing". You've proper worn me out." 

"Aw", Niall makes mockingly and squeaks when Zayn bites his shoulder in retaliation. "You loved it, don't pretend you didn't." 

"I love _you_ ", Zayn says, and then grins crookedly. "And I loved it, yeah. Might not even be able to get out of bed, who knows." 

"I'll carry you to the shower, if all else fails", Niall promises, laughing. "Because I love you, too." 

He crosses the minimal space between them to kiss Zayn, which leads to them grinding against each other again, logical consequence of snogging in bed naked. "Didn't we want to take a shower?" Zayn pants, pushing his hips up off the bed and clinging to Niall's shoulders. 

Niall stills and starts smirking. "Could combine 'em." 

Zayn actually moans at the suggestion and Niall ducks down to snog him, slow and deep. 

"Carry me?" Zayn asks when they pull apart and Niall grins, lifting himself off Zayn's body and pulling him to the edge of the bed.  

"Work with me a little, sweetheart", he teases and pulls Zayn to his feet. Zayn stands and Niall kisses him again, hands drifting down to his tiny ass. "Jump", he mumbles against Zayn's lips and Zayn does, wrapping his legs around Niall's waist. 

They almost fall to the floor when Niall gets a bit too into kissing Zayn while carrying him but he manages to get them to the shower without any major injuries. Zayn drags Niall under the cool spray with him before the water has time to heat up, but Niall doesn’t even feel it.

Zayn’s hands on him feel like fire that sets his skin aflame. 

-

"Should really get our phones now", Zayn mumbles groggily and Niall blinks his eyes open. 

"Good morning to you, too", Niall murmurs back and presses a kiss to Zayn's forehead. "And yes, you need to stop distracting me." 

Zayn swats at him. "Shut up, it was all on you." 

Niall laughs and sits up. "Alright, I'll plug them in and we can order breakfast while they charge. I feel like we might need food before this." 

"D'you think there's gonna be a lot?" Zayn asks quietly while Niall rummages for their phones and chargers. 

“I’m trying to prepare myself for a couple rumours”, Niall shrugs, plugging their phones in one after another. “There’s gotta be some, after our instagram and twitter thing.”

“I suppose”, Zayn mumbles. “Come back here?”

Without hesitating, Niall dives back into bed next to Zayn and wraps himself around his warm body like an octopus. “What do you wanna do today?”

Zayn hums. “I heard you can go on beautiful hikes here, we could do one of those.”

“Sure”, Niall agrees easily. “I can take lots of artsy photos of you in front of breath taking nature for your instagram.”

Zayn pokes his side. “Shut up, dick.”

Niall squirms and pushes at Zayn’s hands, laughing. They both stop when Niall’s phone starts buzzing on the bedside table and Zayn’s joins in a few seconds later. They don’t stop anymore.

“Okay”, Zayn says, voice flat. “Now I’m scared.”

“Did we overlook any paps? Cameras?” Niall asks and his voice sounds weaker than expected. He’s not _scared_ , but…he’s scared. He thought he was ready but it turns out it’s a whole different thing when it’s actually happening.

“To be honest, at some point I forgot to keep checking”, Zayn admits into Niall’s shoulder. “But it had to come out at some point, didn’t it? Might as well be now, we’ve been thinking about it for a while.”

Niall nods. “I want to tell everyone about us too, but now it’s a bit…daunting, considering it’s millions of people in our case, isn’t it?”

Zayn kisses his shoulder and then lifts his head to kiss his lips softly. “Yeah. But I love you, and we’re gonna do this. Let’s just be us, yeah?”

“Alright. Together, then?”

“Always.”

-
    
    
     **Boybanders say Thank You – Take a look at the adorable selfie new couple Niall Horan and Zayn Malik posted**
    
    
     It's been three days since the steamy pictures of One Direction member Niall Horan and former bandmate Zayn Malik kissing on a beach in Hawaii caused uproar from fans and foes all over the world. The two musicians fell off the face of the earth the day the pictures were taken but they've finally reappeared – with another big bang!
    
    
    
    
    
    Thanking everyone for their support, Niall Horan posted a selfie of the two of them together on instagram and shared it on twitter where Zayn Malik retweeted it, adding a heart as his only comment. Captioned "Thanks to everyone for your support ! Lots of love", the shot shows Malik wrapping his arms around Horan from behind, chin hooked over his shoulder, both of them looking more than happy (see below). Aren't they just adorable?
    
    
    
    
    
    A rep confirmed a relationship but said the photos were taken without the couple's consent or knowledge, as they were simply vacationing together. They were snapped kissing steamily in and out of the water, as well as enjoying the waves and sun.
    
    
    
    
    
    The reaction to the pictures and the confirmed relationship of the former bandmates has been widespread and overwhelmingly positive. There have been rumours since autumn last year, but as theories about relationships within One Direction aren't exactly unheard of, most of the public didn't pay much attention to them. That has changed now, with many people tweeting along the lines of "I don't care about 1D but they're cute", "I hate One Direction but I’m happy to see some representation" or similar messages.
    
    
    
    
    
    One Direction fans, known to be very passionate, have taken mostly positive to it as well. Some seem to expect this to be only the start of something bigger, some complain about Niall being the one to have won Malik's heart but the majority has expressed how happy they are to see their idols this happy.
    
    
    
    
    
    Many celebrities announced their support too, among them all the other members of One Direction, former boybanders from N*Sync, Take That and the Backstreet Boys as well as many other stars and plenty of athletes who especially Niall Horan has a connection to.
    
    
    
    
    
    It’s safe to say these two will be one of the most watched couples this summer and we wish them all the best!
    
    
    
    
    
    P.S.: Post more selfies!!!


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